I Found My Light Switch

It has taken me too long to select the New Post option and I am not entirely sure why. After all, I will soon be celebrating three whole months of glorious Morning Pages, my good old ritual that hit full stop as soon as Lulu was born. Clearly, my writing muscle has been practiced, even though my muse tends to be the two-year-old on my lap who devours unreasonable amounts of berries while filling up my pages with her own writing style. Maybe it's the difference between writing to myself (more accurately my diary, "who" has a very distinct persona that took life in GUTS) and writing publicly? Or maybe I have just been too preoccupied with being preoccupied with the fact that I haven't been producing blogs? Bottom line is that celebrating my birthday a few days ago sent me back to last year's birthday post, which resulted in whetting my public writing appetite. 

Liat Bulb

Reading the post made it easy to reflect on my last birthday and I was pleased to count the ways I have grown since. But to my surprise, I was also pleased to realize how I am still challenged, a year later. See, I have unearthed the old me in the last few weeks, and for the first time since Lulu was born, I feel truly open to releasing knots, letting go and rediscovering myself. Any goal appears more accessible these days. 

You don't have to believe me. You probably shouldn't. Reading old blogs will prove why. Not too proud to admit, but I have befriended that "I'm back" phase before, in fact right here...Remember the March 2014 post Setting Up a New Stage- My Old Me is Reborn?? I was so elated to come up with my In Your Face Mama which I was about to turn into a video series. Series my ass. Ideas kept vanishing before I even wrote them down, let alone materialized them and then they stopped coming all together. Then the next cycle surfaced, giddy and all, and this time I may have or may have not written ideas down. On occasion, I actually started something, but then my creativity entered another hibernation phase (in my defense, we did have an abusive winter.) Where did my famous integrity go? (Motherhood undermines your "anything-else" integrity . Discuss.) It was replaced by shameless, baseless declarations of crippled wishful thinking combined with digging even deeper into the swamp of my safe, familiar all-inclusive mothering.

But just like the warm sun we woke up to one day this spring, assuring us that awful winter is done with, my integrity is shining again. I promise!

Warm spring sun

 I really am back, as much back as I can imagine a new mama being back.

You see, I reached a major breakthrough about two months ago: I went to visit my Abba for the first time on the last day of our Israel trip. Even though I blogged last year about stepping ahead in my grieving process, while acknowledging two years to losing him, it was a mere delusion, one of many I have maintained so craftily in the last two and a half years. I had been carrying the heaviest load for so long and denial was no longer serving me (believe me it served me in new motherhood.) 
Of course I had to be forced. My mom told me I would not leave Israel before I went to the cemetery, a word I couldn't even think of, not to mention say out loud. I am so thankful for her ultimatum because after the breakdown and the uncontrolled tears at the cemetery, I reached a calm place that surprised me tremendously.

I found myself asking my mom to leave me alone with him. For the first time since he left us I talked to him. I talked a lot. First with a trembling voice, then with much clearer words. I leaned on the cold stone and it comforted me, almost as if I was hugging him. I couldn't stop talking and I didn't want to leave. I finally opened my heart to acceptance of this cruel reality, and even though it hurts so much, it's accompanied by a new sense of peace and strength I hadn't been able to feel while the pain was eating me inside. And ever since that day my smiles seem fuller, my laughs are back to being annoyingly loud and my insomnia has practically disappeared. 

Fuller smiles. Birthday '15

I enjoy things more wholeheartedly. It is the equivalent of recovering from depression. It probably IS recovering from depression. I have been depressed and did not want to know it. 

Two weeks before he passed away, my Abba asked me at his hospital bed to continue to live fully and happily. I was upset that he dared to utter these words, as I expected him to make a full recovery and live to enjoy the granddaughter who was growing inside me at the time. I expected him to share with me many years of happiness, hugs, kisses and our secret language. I did not prepare myself for what happened ten days after we landed in New York. When we received the news I refused to mentally "go there" and for hours I repeated the word NO. The word NO became my go-to for many months whenever I started sinking into the pain of missing my Abba. NO, it didn't really happen. NO, I'm not saying goodbye. NO!

The powerful release at the cemetery enabled me to come to terms with life without his physical presence. It opened me up to connecting with and even deriving strength from his non-physical presence in our lives, including our Lulu who now has access to her remarkable Sabba. No longer hiding photos, I was looking at him recently with her, finding myself teaching her his name (Sabba Itzik) and tearfully sharing funny stories. A victorious moment. 

No more hiding photos

Acceptance set me free. Life has become easier to manage, lighter if you will, and my optimistic disposition has finally resurfaced. I can now redirect the enormous energy it took me to hold on to denial. I can now experience uninhibited pleasure outside the safe cocoon of my motherhood and relationship with Goog. I am one step closer to what my Abba wanted me to do. 

Another completely different game changer is that at 25 months, Lulu has weaned from breastfeeding, but this post is now at risk of becoming impossibly lengthy. Let's leave that topic for another time. (There we go, I can undoubtedly return to blogging because whether I make sense or not, there is no lack of topics over here.) I'm trying to make a point here. My new-found liberated state of mind, heart and soul is making any goal more attainable. My original intention here was to see whether I have met any of the goals I set out for myself on my last birthday, but as someone who doesn't believe in resolutions I find myself smiling while revisiting the short list, knowing I have met one sweeping, momentous accomplishment that makes everything else at least appear more feasible.

Practicing momentum

If you read all the way here, I salute you. Thank you for sticking around while I turn the lights back on in my mental blogging space (and open the windows. Phew. Must air out this joint.) And you know how I said before that you shouldn't believe me? I have officially decided: Maybe this time you actually should. 

Liberation Movement

You are talking to a mama who has just gotten her iPhone back after 8 days of a semi-forced break. Why semi? One day into it, my experience began to transition from stressed, anxious, frustrated, scared (that I had lost all of my un-backed-up data) and heavily guilt-ridden (for having disrespected phone by "accidentally" dropping it many times and showering it with water, coffee and melted ice cubes. I have a theory I had wanted it to go away, but that's for a therapy session) to liberated, more relaxed, present, in the moment, able to watch where I was walking and dabbled in more spontaneity. Generally my experience resembled walking around on a hot day wearing a dress and no underwear.

In the Moment. Just BE.

The experience morphed into an experiment. Maybe it was the new found clarity, but I found myself observing my feelings and behavior with a magnifying glass. A day or two into the experiment I unexpectedly lost the urgency to fix/replace it. How did that happen? Well, first step was the relief of finding out I hadn't lost my precious data. Next step entered as I stopped worrying that I would not be able to communicate with anyone, let alone make any plans (Surprise! It's possible!). Next was learning to not freak out about not being able to take nonstop pictures and videos of Lulu.

And then came the "I'm actually okay without a phone" phase. No celebratory dance, just feeling "okay" and surviving just fine.

On day 3 the "okay" turned into more palpable sensations. Being In the Moment became my reality most of the time in the last few days. Yes, I do normally strive to get there but who am I kidding? The notion of being "in-the-moment" has been morbidly warped ever since we've all become phone addicts, around the time smart phones came to be so irresistibly alluring, complex and friendly.
I'm thinking of the camera my phone has become since I turned into a mama. Almost every discovery and exciting moment is filmed. It's so quick and easy and tempting. How can you not reach for your phone when your baby has just given you the cutest giggle or dance or song or messy eating sequence? You are mindful that you are overdoing it and even promise to yourself to stop and just experience the moment sans visual documentation but...but...the phone is right there....and you only have to press a button...and you will make the whole family so happy when they get the email...and you can watch it again and again tonight when you are relaxing after a long day but somehow missing your baby. No, I'm not addicted at all...I can stop anytime...Really?!

Well, the idea is actually not to stop, it's just about moderation. But moderation is not so popular these days when it comes to our sacred phones. Goog asked me yesterday what we will do many years from now with all these photos and videos? How often are we realistically going to look at all of them? Do we really need that many? Food for thought.

It turned out that being phone-free forced such a delicious kind of in the moment on me that I almost got addicted to that as well (another topic for a therapy session, which reminds me that I haven't found "time" for therapy since I had a baby- wrong move!). I was able to just be, which includes really BE with Lulu when I was with her. I didn't have to reply to emails, texts, phone calls, Facebook messages, comments. I didn't have to Like any status, post anything, document anything (though I did miss taking notes), "check" anything, virtually search anything, read anything or have immediate responses to ANYTHING but what was happening right there in front of me. So simple. Naturally there was less stress and it made me miss the simplicity of life before our phones became really smart (and they just keep getting smarter!). I had actually resisted a smart phone for the longest time, now that I think of it. I remember I didn't want to be so available all the time. I liked that I was only immediately reachable via text and a phone call.

Simple times. Quiet times. A big part of me started not missing my phone and I was okay postponing my Apple appointment to replace it. When I finally got my new phone, I wasn't ecstatic and so I vowed to not have a phone at least one day a week. Too many realizations arrived when my phone was away for me to not make a change. One day. Maybe more than one. I will also continue my tradition of turning off my phone at least 2 hours before bedtime (it's gotten harder since new mama here more often than not falls asleep at 9:30 but the idea is to wind down phone-free every night).

New shiny phone. Back to one-hand-on-stroller-other-hand-on-phone (you know what I'm talking about!), back to reading all my Huffington Post on our walks (Did I tell you that I do my best reading while I'm walking?...), back to multiple daily impromptu photo shoots, back to holding the device more than I should (What a strange habit. Why do we do that?). But this time it is different because my relationship with my iPhone has evolved. We are probably still too attached but I now know how good it can feel to take a break.
And on that note, I'm taking a break.

ADDENDUM
Confession. This post has been sitting on my laptop a whole week, waiting to be released. Maybe I needed to test out my above vow...Bottom line: I am yet to take a full day break from my phone. My technology mindfulness level remains high but my phone and I have not taken the next, healthy step in our relationship. Case in point, we are starting this weekend. Free weekend day is a more realistic goal because Goog's phone is there if I really need it. Once we conquer weekend, we can climb higher.  I know we can. Clearly we are moving in the right direction. Faith.

Welcome to Motherhood: Who Am I? Is Liat Coming Back?

I planned on waiting till I get a few nights of good old uninterrupted sleep to produce my first Mama post, but Lulu (stage name) is almost 6 months old, and even though my sleep deprivation is affecting me in ways I don't care to admit, my blog is demanding to be born...

I never thought it would take me so long to start writing again, or to start doing anything again (sleeping?...) for that matter. I never thought a lot of things before I became a mother.  But here I am, asking myself, When I will start doing ALL of the old things again, and when I do, will it instantly feel like the old me is back?

So I'm writing...Hello World. This is supposed to be what people call a Mommy Blog. Old Liat used to blog, so a Mommy Blog makes sense, especially since I have so much to say...I do. But you see, the words don't flow out of me the way they used to, and my writing style is rather elusive in my scattered brain. Welcome to Mommy Brain. You thought you had it when you were pregnant, but you're in for a treat that tastes like shit. My warm advice is to learn how to laugh at it. Otherwise, it will destroy you...

I notice this is not even my writing style. Or any writing style. Mommy Blog. Focus. Someone told me to just start writing and write every day, anything. Just write. But just like that? My severe case of mommy brain does not give me the luxury of trusting that my words will be appealing to anyone. See what I mean? This last sentence....time to open Syntax for Dummies?

Just...please don't leave yet, okay?...It's my first time. My clear thoughts and ideas will have to start challenging my dusty brain very soon, reminding it who it used to be. I've been trying to figure out who I am, who I have become, and whether time will bring the old Liat back. Yes, it's that extreme. And I'm not resisting. I'm consumed by my Motherhood, but all I really did was just open myself up to this incredible new world. Have I gone too far? Is it time to seek balance? 

I'm not a big fan of cliches but bear with me here - NO ONE can prepare you for motherhood. It's a new territory on so many levels, you might as well open yourself up to whatever happens. There is nothing that compares to it. There are elements in your pre-motherhood life that resemble elements in motherhood, but the whole package? It's a brand new experience and entity. Motherhood.

Cut to 2 hours later....

I'm sitting at the river, trying to steal a still moment. 
Who am I stealing from? Shouldn't I actually own it? Why steal?
I am holding my favorite coffee and a shameful tabloid. Haven't touched a magazine in months, let alone a book (even baby books!). Mindless pages can be a good start. Restart my skill of flipping through pages, ANY pages. No page flipping for this mama, only exhausting smart phone pages. Everything is exhausting, but right at this moment, wearing my magical sleeping baby, while sipping hazelnut and gulping the Hudson with brain-clearing colorful pages, something makes my exhaustion just a little bit less exhausting.

And there it is....I found balance, or at least it's a good start.