I Found My Light Switch

It has taken me too long to select the New Post option and I am not entirely sure why. After all, I will soon be celebrating three whole months of glorious Morning Pages, my good old ritual that hit full stop as soon as Lulu was born. Clearly, my writing muscle has been practiced, even though my muse tends to be the two-year-old on my lap who devours unreasonable amounts of berries while filling up my pages with her own writing style. Maybe it's the difference between writing to myself (more accurately my diary, "who" has a very distinct persona that took life in GUTS) and writing publicly? Or maybe I have just been too preoccupied with being preoccupied with the fact that I haven't been producing blogs? Bottom line is that celebrating my birthday a few days ago sent me back to last year's birthday post, which resulted in whetting my public writing appetite. 

Liat Bulb

Reading the post made it easy to reflect on my last birthday and I was pleased to count the ways I have grown since. But to my surprise, I was also pleased to realize how I am still challenged, a year later. See, I have unearthed the old me in the last few weeks, and for the first time since Lulu was born, I feel truly open to releasing knots, letting go and rediscovering myself. Any goal appears more accessible these days. 

You don't have to believe me. You probably shouldn't. Reading old blogs will prove why. Not too proud to admit, but I have befriended that "I'm back" phase before, in fact right here...Remember the March 2014 post Setting Up a New Stage- My Old Me is Reborn?? I was so elated to come up with my In Your Face Mama which I was about to turn into a video series. Series my ass. Ideas kept vanishing before I even wrote them down, let alone materialized them and then they stopped coming all together. Then the next cycle surfaced, giddy and all, and this time I may have or may have not written ideas down. On occasion, I actually started something, but then my creativity entered another hibernation phase (in my defense, we did have an abusive winter.) Where did my famous integrity go? (Motherhood undermines your "anything-else" integrity . Discuss.) It was replaced by shameless, baseless declarations of crippled wishful thinking combined with digging even deeper into the swamp of my safe, familiar all-inclusive mothering.

But just like the warm sun we woke up to one day this spring, assuring us that awful winter is done with, my integrity is shining again. I promise!

Warm spring sun

 I really am back, as much back as I can imagine a new mama being back.

You see, I reached a major breakthrough about two months ago: I went to visit my Abba for the first time on the last day of our Israel trip. Even though I blogged last year about stepping ahead in my grieving process, while acknowledging two years to losing him, it was a mere delusion, one of many I have maintained so craftily in the last two and a half years. I had been carrying the heaviest load for so long and denial was no longer serving me (believe me it served me in new motherhood.) 
Of course I had to be forced. My mom told me I would not leave Israel before I went to the cemetery, a word I couldn't even think of, not to mention say out loud. I am so thankful for her ultimatum because after the breakdown and the uncontrolled tears at the cemetery, I reached a calm place that surprised me tremendously.

I found myself asking my mom to leave me alone with him. For the first time since he left us I talked to him. I talked a lot. First with a trembling voice, then with much clearer words. I leaned on the cold stone and it comforted me, almost as if I was hugging him. I couldn't stop talking and I didn't want to leave. I finally opened my heart to acceptance of this cruel reality, and even though it hurts so much, it's accompanied by a new sense of peace and strength I hadn't been able to feel while the pain was eating me inside. And ever since that day my smiles seem fuller, my laughs are back to being annoyingly loud and my insomnia has practically disappeared. 

Fuller smiles. Birthday '15

I enjoy things more wholeheartedly. It is the equivalent of recovering from depression. It probably IS recovering from depression. I have been depressed and did not want to know it. 

Two weeks before he passed away, my Abba asked me at his hospital bed to continue to live fully and happily. I was upset that he dared to utter these words, as I expected him to make a full recovery and live to enjoy the granddaughter who was growing inside me at the time. I expected him to share with me many years of happiness, hugs, kisses and our secret language. I did not prepare myself for what happened ten days after we landed in New York. When we received the news I refused to mentally "go there" and for hours I repeated the word NO. The word NO became my go-to for many months whenever I started sinking into the pain of missing my Abba. NO, it didn't really happen. NO, I'm not saying goodbye. NO!

The powerful release at the cemetery enabled me to come to terms with life without his physical presence. It opened me up to connecting with and even deriving strength from his non-physical presence in our lives, including our Lulu who now has access to her remarkable Sabba. No longer hiding photos, I was looking at him recently with her, finding myself teaching her his name (Sabba Itzik) and tearfully sharing funny stories. A victorious moment. 

No more hiding photos

Acceptance set me free. Life has become easier to manage, lighter if you will, and my optimistic disposition has finally resurfaced. I can now redirect the enormous energy it took me to hold on to denial. I can now experience uninhibited pleasure outside the safe cocoon of my motherhood and relationship with Goog. I am one step closer to what my Abba wanted me to do. 

Another completely different game changer is that at 25 months, Lulu has weaned from breastfeeding, but this post is now at risk of becoming impossibly lengthy. Let's leave that topic for another time. (There we go, I can undoubtedly return to blogging because whether I make sense or not, there is no lack of topics over here.) I'm trying to make a point here. My new-found liberated state of mind, heart and soul is making any goal more attainable. My original intention here was to see whether I have met any of the goals I set out for myself on my last birthday, but as someone who doesn't believe in resolutions I find myself smiling while revisiting the short list, knowing I have met one sweeping, momentous accomplishment that makes everything else at least appear more feasible.

Practicing momentum

If you read all the way here, I salute you. Thank you for sticking around while I turn the lights back on in my mental blogging space (and open the windows. Phew. Must air out this joint.) And you know how I said before that you shouldn't believe me? I have officially decided: Maybe this time you actually should. 

How Dare I Dread Her First Birthday?

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.....4 days to Lulu's first birthday and not only am I not armed with elaborate festivity plans or a festivities plan, I'm actually dreading it. I've just typed the word "dreading" and I'm about to delete it before I reach for the beat-myself-up button for letting my shameful brain come up with it. But I need to be honest with myself and figure out what's going on. Brutally, if possible. So yes, it sounds like even our supermarket cashier is more excited about Lulu turning one than I am. Everyone around me keeps saying, "You must be soooooooo excited! ", "What do have planned?". They've been saying it for at least a couple of months and I have been under the impression that it would all come naturally, but it's 4 days to the big day and nada. What's wrong with me?
How about a brutally honest list. I never do this (compose lists that explain things, not be brutally honest), but I will now. Get to the bottom of this strange phenomenon and perhaps be more prepared for Saturday. It will also be nice to find a way to get pumped.

4 days, Mama. Get with the program.

Dig Deep.
Why am I Not Getting Excited About Lulu's First Birthday: A Brutally Honest List





1. The Headache:
Okay, I'm starting with the obvious. It's a big day. Monumental. Your first baby's first birthday happens only once (any birthday happens only once but no one is asking me). I'm a performer, a producer, an artistic mama. There are high expectations here. Up to par, mama. Up to par! But whether it's other people's expectations or mine, I'm not supplying the goods. Part of me feels it would be silly to create a whole production for someone who would not fully recognize its purpose.
I go back and forth, but we already set a date for the party. I want small and intimate at home, but we have a big family so that's not realistic. We are keeping it at home, though. That's where I draw the line. How do we fit everyone in our apartment? Well, that's why it's called The Headache.
Resolution? Waiting till the last minute. I'm serious. I tend to work well under time pressure, and so said Headache will be reduced to a short amount of time.

2. "Just a Little Bit Longer"- Fear of the Unknown:
I was never ready to give birth to Lulu. The combination of enjoying my pregnancy and being quite phobic about labor and delivery pain resulted in the intense wish to extend it "just a little bit longer." I may be reluctant to cross the first year finish line because the second year brings about a new system: Toddlerhood. I'm just so enchantedly adept and conversant in the Infancy system that I would like to enjoy it for just a little bit longer. Can you blame me? (Please don't answer that.) I recognize it's not possible just as much as I recognized that keeping Lulu in my belly forever wasn't possible either, but a girl can dream. Regardless, even though I have a mild or severe case of resistance to change, it is essential to remind myself three things: (a) It's coming very soon, whether I like it or not. (b) Similar to the moment Lulu was born, instantly ending my beloved pregnancy, I will end up passionately relishing and rejoicing in the new chapter. (c) Embracing rather than resisting has always paid off, with interest.

3. A Case of "I'm Not Ready for Her to Grow Up":
This is close to my previous point but deserves its own point simply because I've been there once before when we needed to start solids. Lulu turning a year old strongly resonates with the sensation that she's growing up too fast. I'm spitting distance from imagining her leaving the nest.
Once again, it would be wise to remember the start-of-solids days. New discoveries are exciting and I tend to wholeheartedly enjoy them. So there.

4. I'm Not Where I Thought I Would Be:
Uh-oh...There we go. Deep breath. A year ago I had a different idea of where I would be when Lulu turns one. I didn't think it would take me so long to reconnect with the pre-motherhood me. It's taken me a while and it's still a mystery, especially in the career department. It has taken me a lot longer than I anticipated to feel ready to work and create again and I'm finally there; however, now I'm tortured by the idea of leaving Lulu on a regular basis. I'm profoundly enjoying raising this magnificent human being who is by far my best creation, even with the natural challenges of early motherhood. I'm sorely torn. But I digress. My point is that a whole year sounded like a really long time prior to Lulu's birth. I had plans for myself. Even though deep inside I had a feeling that I would be fervently consumed with being a mother, I didn't imagine that at the year mark I would still be so, hmm, well, consumed. I had a general plan to nurse, for instance, but I didn't anticipate how much I would love it and that it wasn't going to stop at a year. And that's just one example. Embracing really paid off, but it's also confusing. I'm still figuring out my new identity. I continue to find myself once in a while deluded with the idea that I can go back to exactly how I was pre-motherhood. So yes, extending this year will allow me to figure things out, clarify myself to myself and be where I had expected to be. But isn't it foolish? Once again, I'm holding on to hollowness, setting myself up with a useless trap (are traps ever useful? Discuss.). Where am I going with this? The only thing I can truly accomplish by obsessing over my pre-conceived plan is a colossal waste of time, precious time I could be spending by actually creating and reconnecting with what I miss doing. Ouch.
Let go.  
Looking deep inside, I realize that I'm thrilled to discover my career path as a mother. At a minimum, I'm pretty sure I have new and improved colors and depths to offer as a performer. 

Party?! Every day is a party!!

Phew. So....now that I've dissected the reasoning behind my "dreading", am I prepared? Pumped? Psyched? Based on my exhaustively exhausting investigation, while hoping you haven't fallen asleep just yet, it's inevitable for me to conclude that if allow myself to fully and wholeheartedly exist in the moment, dreading Lulu's upcoming birthday would be an impossibility. 



I'm going to focus on the moment. 
Embracing the moment. The moment never disappoints me. I'm counting on it to pay off, with interest, as always.
Will report from the field.