My First Trimester Love Affair

This post was written in the early Fall but I was too nauseous to sit down and publish it so here we are. Nausea is gone and I can't stop eating but that's for another post....

It's ready, they're calling my name. My only way to sneak in vegetables these days, a cheddar-dripping bagel hiding very small pieces of broccoli. I lied. Sometimes I can eat my one-of-a-kind salad that might make you vomit (and in other circumstance me too) so maybe skip the next line. Mesclun greens, chopped tomatoes, olives, ketchup, cottage cheese and sauerkraut.

Lulu calls it "Funny Salad"
(Confession: Sometimes it's the only dinner I can make us).
Don't try this at home!

I'm walking to the pier. First time I recognize that Fall is here. The breeze is now officially wind but I must sit down now and consume this bagel within 30-45 seconds or so. Wait this is NOT cheddar! In one breath I move from wanting to kill whoever messed up my order to inhaling the whole bagel with gusto. Done. No aversion detected and I should thank my lucky stars since I have aversions to most things these days. Not to bagels though. Or any kind of cheese (though the saltier the better). That's it, pretty much. I can't eat, smell, see or even think about most types of food, especially those that I'm normally obsessed with. That's why I can't type up what I'm talking about but believe me, my normal-days diet consists of the most nutrient-dense super foods...until week 6, when I woke up and couldn't bear the idea of coffee (oops why did I type the word?! Bagel starting to come up. Please go back down). 

Back to ingested bagel. After heightened sensations of pleasure reverberating through my body while consuming it, I am nauseous, again. 

In all its glory, top pleasure of my first trimester

At night my nausea hits the gas pedal and I find myself stuck in those 5 seconds between feeling so nauseous I could throw up and actually throwing up.  You know what I'm talking about. It's like purgatory. No way out. Just embrace the sensation. Trust me I have taken the vomiting route a few times under the delusion that relief is on the way but nope better be stuck in purgatory.  I spend a few hours in those 5 seconds, waiting for relief so I can go to sleep or I end up sucking the life out of another lemon which is a hit or miss. When it's a hit I run to bed before the effect runs out.  

And then....

Week 12 I wake up wanting, no- needing coffee. Skeptically I sleepwalk into the kitchen, fantasies sprinkling my brain about the possibility of no longer sleepwalking half the day thanks my drug-of-choice making a glorious comeback. As the grinder spreads aroma that used to bring me to ecstasy, my stomach only half-turns, which is my signal to proceed. 

I take a deep breath as I sit down and suspiciously dunk my morning biscotti until it's heavily soaked in my coffee. Entry granted. Then a full sip and another bigger sip tell me that we are in the clear! Ban has been lifted! Coffee is BACK!

I mistakenly decide to test other aversions throughout the day. Don't try this at home. Let it come to you. Aversions make a lot of noise as they leave the building. They signal clearly that you are in the clear and by week 14 (any day now!) most of them are replaced with insatiable passion for food. And cravings? I can't wait to find out if my cheddar-grilled- cheese-bagel will continue to be my master. I hope not. My bread-and-cheese filled body needs its superfoods back! 

Welcome to Motherhood: Who Am I? Is Liat Coming Back?

I planned on waiting till I get a few nights of good old uninterrupted sleep to produce my first Mama post, but Lulu (stage name) is almost 6 months old, and even though my sleep deprivation is affecting me in ways I don't care to admit, my blog is demanding to be born...

I never thought it would take me so long to start writing again, or to start doing anything again (sleeping?...) for that matter. I never thought a lot of things before I became a mother.  But here I am, asking myself, When I will start doing ALL of the old things again, and when I do, will it instantly feel like the old me is back?

So I'm writing...Hello World. This is supposed to be what people call a Mommy Blog. Old Liat used to blog, so a Mommy Blog makes sense, especially since I have so much to say...I do. But you see, the words don't flow out of me the way they used to, and my writing style is rather elusive in my scattered brain. Welcome to Mommy Brain. You thought you had it when you were pregnant, but you're in for a treat that tastes like shit. My warm advice is to learn how to laugh at it. Otherwise, it will destroy you...

I notice this is not even my writing style. Or any writing style. Mommy Blog. Focus. Someone told me to just start writing and write every day, anything. Just write. But just like that? My severe case of mommy brain does not give me the luxury of trusting that my words will be appealing to anyone. See what I mean? This last sentence....time to open Syntax for Dummies?

Just...please don't leave yet, okay?...It's my first time. My clear thoughts and ideas will have to start challenging my dusty brain very soon, reminding it who it used to be. I've been trying to figure out who I am, who I have become, and whether time will bring the old Liat back. Yes, it's that extreme. And I'm not resisting. I'm consumed by my Motherhood, but all I really did was just open myself up to this incredible new world. Have I gone too far? Is it time to seek balance? 

I'm not a big fan of cliches but bear with me here - NO ONE can prepare you for motherhood. It's a new territory on so many levels, you might as well open yourself up to whatever happens. There is nothing that compares to it. There are elements in your pre-motherhood life that resemble elements in motherhood, but the whole package? It's a brand new experience and entity. Motherhood.

Cut to 2 hours later....

I'm sitting at the river, trying to steal a still moment. 
Who am I stealing from? Shouldn't I actually own it? Why steal?
I am holding my favorite coffee and a shameful tabloid. Haven't touched a magazine in months, let alone a book (even baby books!). Mindless pages can be a good start. Restart my skill of flipping through pages, ANY pages. No page flipping for this mama, only exhausting smart phone pages. Everything is exhausting, but right at this moment, wearing my magical sleeping baby, while sipping hazelnut and gulping the Hudson with brain-clearing colorful pages, something makes my exhaustion just a little bit less exhausting.

And there it is....I found balance, or at least it's a good start.