Sleep? No? More?

Do all parents know prior to childbirth where their baby will sleep and for how long? We were proud to have a clear idea actually. The plan was to keep Lulu in a Pack n' Play in our room until two-three months old. Why? We assumed we would want her to sleep with us until we were all ready to move her to her own room. Of course, I didn't understand the word "ready" prior to becoming a mama. How do we know she's ready? And the even more complex question- How do we know WE are ready?...Once again, who knew that we would be the hindering cause....Before Lulu was born, I personally insisted that Goog and I take ownership of our private couple space as soon as possible- the minute our baby showed signs of "ready."

Needless to say, yours truly hadn't defined "ready". It became the vague idea of two to three months. There had been no doubt in my mind that three months would be the latest she would move to her cute purple personal space. Tricky assumption. It's quite clear by now that Lulu's sleep is easily interrupted by coughs, sneezes, our footsteps, her mama's smell and a lot more. Anything that comes from US. Outside noise? Forget about it! She's immune! Garbage trucks, sirens, our noisy heater/AC unit that randomly roars throughout the night, fireworks (!!), you name it. Fresh example: We're at a cafe right now (Bwe- best coffee, inspiring space, personal favorite), and Lulu is sleeping so peacefully through loud music, ear-piercing espresso machine, door opening and closing, noisy chatter...But late at night we still have to whisper to each other under the covers (don't get me wrong, it's enchantingly romantic, but sometimes it's hard to breathe in our dreamy tent). 

So deep into her six month birthday, Lulu is still in her Pack n' Play, sharing sleeping space with her parents. Who is not ready? Lulu or her parents?...

Since her three month birthday, we've been telling each other periodically that Lulu undoubtedly still needed us right by her at night, but the excuse is not working anymore, since we seem to interrupt her sleep even when we try so hard not to move in bed...

It's us... Deep inside we know it's us. And now we know it's time... We can't wait to reclaim ownership of our couple space, we can't wait to proudly step into our bedroom at night rather than sneak in, we can't wait to not think twice before getting up to pee at night. We can't wait for everyone to sleep (Granted we quickly transition out of staring at the monitor all night, which I have a feeling will happen)!!! And yet, we are still pondering the meaning of "ready"...Just one more night....or...week? Of course we keep telling ourselves that Lulu is the one who is not ready.

Do we give ourselves a clear deadline? We currently have a vague "within the week". The time has come!.....Any day now...

For some reason, I can imagine us still whispering under the covers, holding our coughs and sneezes and of course avoiding the "loud blanket" for a least a week following Lulu's moving out. Moving out...First time our baby moves out. I hear that you blink and then they are off to college... Ok, I'll stop now. Hormonal breastfeeding mama alert ;-)

Exhibit A: Temporary Storage Space

On Prunes and Other Friends

 

"Mmmm, prunes. What a delicacy. I'll take more!"
                  

Yours truly here, operating on no sleep. Never thought I'd be blogging about poop, but since we started solids, our Lulu hasn't managed to have a BM. Yes, it did cross my mind to just keep her exclusively on breast milk forever. Yes, I know it's ridiculous. Still, night after night this week we had to soothe a screaming baby whose system was having a hard time adjusting to sweet potatoes and avocado. Last night was the peak. Lulu could hardly stay asleep because of her backed-up stomach. At the same time, I felt like my heart was clogged by screaming needles. My body was also not the happiest camper. My spine was threatening to go on strike after picking up and putting down hundreds of times. My chest and arms turned clinically depressed for not being able to take away my baby's pain and discomfort. 

Which brings me to...I can't wait till she can speak. I want to know exactly how she feels. Exactly. I need to relieve the pain, any pain. It's a need, a sweeping, primal need. I can't control it and I don't wish to control it, but it's definitely another new thing motherhood introduced me to. I mean, I have intensely and desperately wanted to alleviate pain of loved ones before Lulu. With Lulu it's a physical need that flows through my body like an angry ocean. 

Until she can speak, I use my mama instincts, which I sharpen every day. Who knows, by the time she speaks with words, I might not even need words. I would just effortlessly read her. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to read Lulu's cry- hungry, tired, overstimulated, etc. But I am still challenged when it comes to pain and discomfort. We've just completed an episode of a first cold, segueing into glamorous teething, which kept us up at night (that's the thing with Lulu. She's always in good spirits during the day, no matter what. But at night, her sleep is disrupted so easily), and now this....Stomach. New food. It actually started out so cheerfully. Sweet potato was a big hit and even avocado. We've been having so much fun making food mess. Unfortunately, it's biting us in the ass, literally!

So this morning we bought organic prunes and the perfect puree was served. Lulu adored it and refused to stop eating. Again, fun times. It's 5 PM and NOTHING. Nighttime is approaching with its big, scary steps, threatening to bestow upon us more pain and tears. Prunes, please please work!

Addendum:
At 6 PM we purchased what we heard is called Magic. Suppositories (Oh, my... Hope Lulu will forgive me for sharing the intricacies of BMs and beyond...). It's not medication, which we try to avoid. It's guaranteed to work quickly and bring Lulu her good night's sleep. We'll take it! We'll take it now! 

My built-in need to take away the pain is met within 30 minutes. 
Joy to the world. WHAT a relief!  

GOOD Night!

Yum Yum Yam

"Not bad. Not bad at all..."

This will be short and very sweet:

Lulu and I are elated to report that our first non-nursing feeding was a remarkable success. Not only did she absolutely love sweet potatoes and even wanted more, I surprised myself by being totally okay with this next evolutionary step I had been dreading. In fact, I relished every second. 

Watching my baby take her first taste was pricelessly tender. She must have felt some sort of victory, after months of intently watching us chew, bite, swallow, drink, dunk biscottis in coffee (her mama does that religiously every morning), not to mention cook (I try to talk her through my cooking process as much as possible). She is now one step closer to joining the club. What an enchanted experience it was to see it all in her eyes and through her eyes: the fascination with the color, flavor, sensation in her mouth, the open-eyed curiosity, and even pride, knowing that she now has even more things in common with us. She experimented with ingesting this new substance and once in a while gave us a big smile. 

I remember someone telling me that when you have kids, you get to experience things as if it was your first time. There was something about watching my baby take her first metaphorical bite (no teeth yet, by the way, just teething pain...) that connected me to a primal place of discovering what food tastes like. When was the last time I got to do that?...Not since I myself was an infant. What a privilege it is, to witness the first pure moment, so simple yet so complex, of our baby stepping into this uncharted territory.

I've come a long way from pushing away the idea that Lulu's food would not be breast milk forever to this brand new thrill and fascination with the prospects of sharing the world of food with her- the smells, tastes, colors, textures and so much more. Already planning what's next on the menu!

One day, not too far from now, we will be able to share our favorite meals with Lulu. Curious to find out what her favorite foods are. Will she like black cod, sushi, dark chocolate? Will she like kale? Shiitake mushrooms? My oatmeal with almond milk? 
I think I'm getting a little carried away...This post is also making me hungry. We have left over sweet potato. Yum.

Tears of Oy

Our Lulu turned six months old today and we have yet to enter the Solids Zone. Well, actually I've been avoiding the topic altogether... Been so content just breastfeeding her- it's so simple (New Mommies Alert: It's NEVER simple in the beginning. Once you cross the tough beginning, you will like it. I promise), so enjoyable and takes no preparation; we also don't have a high chair yet, not to mention those little teaspoons and who wants to deal with all the clean up, right? I'll start researching best utensils and chairs for Lulu once I'm ready, I've been telling myself. No rush. We can wait a few weeks... a month, right?...Right? Righhhhhttttt?? 
Wrong. 
As of yesterday, Mama's learned that she was wrong. Let's not call it wrong. Let's call it a little delusional?....We stopped by Nourishing Wisdom for Mom and Baby for some, well, nourishing wisdom for mom (intoxicatingly sublime, organic, raw Raaka chocolate...goes well with half a glass of mommy juice) and baby (Baltic Amber necklace for Lulu's teething pain. Yes, nobody's been getting much sleep the last few nights.) While discussing Lulu's six month birthday, Rebecca starts challenging my decision to block my ears and say "lalalalala" every time Solids are mentioned.

One moment I'm listening to her talking about sweet potatoes and avocado and the next I'm starting to cry. What's with the tears? What's happening? Whatever it is, of course I find myself arguing...Breast is best! (But developmentally, babies need complementary food starting at six months)....Can't I just wait till I complete high chair research? (No) What about other research?? I'm gonna need some time to select first food, and second and third, and learn how the Beaba works.... (Too bad, you need to hustle, since apparently there's a window for action). 

Wait!!! I need time...time...I need more time to enjoy the magic of being her only source of nutrition...we've been doing this for 15 months....I'm not ready for her to grow up just yet.
WHAT did I just say? Have I really just uttered these words? Oy. Oy. Oy. I did. It seems like it was yesterday when Lulu made me a mother and here I am, already dealing with My-Baby-Doesn't-Need-Me-Anymore Syndrome. Our parenting style focuses a lot on encouraging independence, trust, courage, curiosity and yet I've just majorly contradicted myself. Why can't I help it? What's the matter with me? Why are thoughts of her leaving the nest are floating in my brain? Is this a side effect of sleep deprivation?

No, says my mom. Yes, MY mom. Time to share with you that my superwoman mom is staying with us this month, soaking some Lulu love and helping tremendously along the way. Mom is sitting on Rebecca's couch with Lulu in one arm. She smilingly extends her other arm to hug me tight, and then shares with me how natural this feeling is and how we all want our babies to grow up and eventually leave our nest, but at the same time it does make us a little, just a little sad. But it's okay to feel how I feel. And then Grandma says what grandmas say: "there will be others, remember that."

My crying yesterday caught me off-guard. I felt like it came out of nowhere but learned that it didn't. I also learned that it's okay to feel this way and express it, and I even learned that I'm ready to take the plunge tomorrow because after all, in addition to the immense love and support I'm blessed with, I still possess some level of logic, and you know what? I even started fantasizing about Lulu playing with her food during family meals. Oh, and actually I'm going to hold off on the Beaba and simply mash Lulu's first non-breastmilk meal the good old-fashioned way.

Will report soon from the battlefield.

Happy Six Month Birthday to my marvelous baby! Thank you for making me your mother! I am so lucky and sooooo honored!

Welcome to Motherhood: Who Am I? Is Liat Coming Back?

I planned on waiting till I get a few nights of good old uninterrupted sleep to produce my first Mama post, but Lulu (stage name) is almost 6 months old, and even though my sleep deprivation is affecting me in ways I don't care to admit, my blog is demanding to be born...

I never thought it would take me so long to start writing again, or to start doing anything again (sleeping?...) for that matter. I never thought a lot of things before I became a mother.  But here I am, asking myself, When I will start doing ALL of the old things again, and when I do, will it instantly feel like the old me is back?

So I'm writing...Hello World. This is supposed to be what people call a Mommy Blog. Old Liat used to blog, so a Mommy Blog makes sense, especially since I have so much to say...I do. But you see, the words don't flow out of me the way they used to, and my writing style is rather elusive in my scattered brain. Welcome to Mommy Brain. You thought you had it when you were pregnant, but you're in for a treat that tastes like shit. My warm advice is to learn how to laugh at it. Otherwise, it will destroy you...

I notice this is not even my writing style. Or any writing style. Mommy Blog. Focus. Someone told me to just start writing and write every day, anything. Just write. But just like that? My severe case of mommy brain does not give me the luxury of trusting that my words will be appealing to anyone. See what I mean? This last sentence....time to open Syntax for Dummies?

Just...please don't leave yet, okay?...It's my first time. My clear thoughts and ideas will have to start challenging my dusty brain very soon, reminding it who it used to be. I've been trying to figure out who I am, who I have become, and whether time will bring the old Liat back. Yes, it's that extreme. And I'm not resisting. I'm consumed by my Motherhood, but all I really did was just open myself up to this incredible new world. Have I gone too far? Is it time to seek balance? 

I'm not a big fan of cliches but bear with me here - NO ONE can prepare you for motherhood. It's a new territory on so many levels, you might as well open yourself up to whatever happens. There is nothing that compares to it. There are elements in your pre-motherhood life that resemble elements in motherhood, but the whole package? It's a brand new experience and entity. Motherhood.

Cut to 2 hours later....

I'm sitting at the river, trying to steal a still moment. 
Who am I stealing from? Shouldn't I actually own it? Why steal?
I am holding my favorite coffee and a shameful tabloid. Haven't touched a magazine in months, let alone a book (even baby books!). Mindless pages can be a good start. Restart my skill of flipping through pages, ANY pages. No page flipping for this mama, only exhausting smart phone pages. Everything is exhausting, but right at this moment, wearing my magical sleeping baby, while sipping hazelnut and gulping the Hudson with brain-clearing colorful pages, something makes my exhaustion just a little bit less exhausting.

And there it is....I found balance, or at least it's a good start.