I Finally Have a Babysitter But I'm Still Not Making Cents!!!

I have a confession to make. It has been very difficult for me to leave Lulu. And when I do leave for a few hours, she is with Goog or grandparents....but as I'm typing these words, my 15 month old is alone, for the first time, with a person who is not family. Yes, I took the plunge and hired a babysitter. Just a few hours a week at first, until I slowly step back into my career. I'm taking baby steps to return to acting, and I am not sure when I will be ready for full gear. It's so challenging to redefine myself as an actor who is now also a mother. I have changed and it's taking me a lot of energy and mental resources to surrender to the idea that I will never be the same...

I believe I have new layers and depths to offer as an actor and performer but I'm not willing to do anything to get an acting job. I'm not even willing to take just any role. Nudity used to be the only red line, but now I'm not willing to take on anything that will make me miss Lulu too much...

Selfies are just another
form of digression, mama. Just saying.

Digression alert. All I meant to say was that right now is my first time and surprisingly I'm doing very well and Lulu is doing well and it's only a couple of hours. Phew. The time has come. It was the right thing to do, the healthy thing to do, even though I have been fighting it for a while. The idea of paying someone to spend time with Lulu while I'm not making my own money (yet) took  my mommy guilt to new extreme highs. I have been trying to convince myself that I didn't really need a break ("But I go to the gym! That's my break!") and every time that I did ask for a break, I found a way to sabotage it. But who am I kidding? What am I trying to prove? I need to accept where I am and recognize that there's nothing wrong with it.
I never wanted to predefine how long I would be a Stay-at-Home-Mom, just like I never wanted to predefine how long I would nurse. Or define myself as a parent. I wanted everything to feel organic to our specific journey. And organic it felt. I learnt on the way that we were practicing something close to attachment parenting without knowing anything about it. To this day I haven't read about attachment parenting and I don't feel the need to read parenting books. I just follow my instincts and intuition and it has been working well. We do what makes sense for us, and following what books (who don't know us) say we should do doesn't really make so much sense to us... Although...I obviously can't always trust myself (not surprising, I know), so once in a while I take a break to question, doubt and bash the hell out of my parenting, but I hear that's perfectly "normal"...

I digress again (another new characteristic I have acquired since becoming a mom. Comes with a plethora of other brain dysfunctions). On the nursing front, we are continuing strong and proud, and I think we will wean when Lulu is ready to wean (once again, I never imagined I would find myself so content with extended breastfeeding and even more so- in disagreement with the term- extended breastfeeding). However, the Stay-at-Home-Mom thing...well...that one is more complex. I will not say that "just a mom" is not enough, because, excuse the cliche, it is the most important thing I will ever do. And hardest. And rewarding. And amazing. But (no but) at this point in time, I just need to expand and add more to my world. I have arrived at the place where I acutely need more. It's time to own it. Naturally, the "more" would be my previous-to-Motherhood occupations, right?  Well, as I revisit this old world of mine I am faced, as mentioned above, with some serious resistance. Why is that, I ask myself. I-ask-myself MY ASS!! I ask myself sounds so polite, collected, calm and wise so let's just be honest. No composed energy here. I'm freaking out! I'm screaming-silently, of course- in front of the mirror, staring at my face in hopes to unearth the old me. Nope. I can't find. I can't connect. Shit, it's been three hours on the clock and babysitting session is  almost over and I haven't completed my reconnection process! Time is money, mama! Reconnect already, damn it! Figure yourself out! You have an hour left! What's your problem? You are an artist! You have written and performed a one-woman-show. With belly dance! With multimedia! Your brain did that! Your body! You talent! He-llo! Where ARE you?!

Blame the coffee refill that sent me back to my default button (Facebook, you know it) and now I'm left with 25 minutes to figure this career thing out. Nope. it's not happening today. I should know better (How to Not Force the Force).

Revolution! Walking around aimlessly

Here's a revolutionary idea. Why not just stare into the horizon. Not MY horizon! That's just more stress. THE horizon. Empty my mental space until there's pure, uninterrupted silence. Find the closest thing to neutral, if you may (strong cup of coffee, I got fancy for a second). I may need a few more babysitter visits (shut up, guilt!). That's okay! You want organic? THAT'S organic. Discover and rediscover my passions. I'm going to sit down with myself, or walk around aimlessly, or ride the subway, or stroll in supermarkets by myself (AKA my meditation sessions), until I reach a respectable, substantial clear space. I'm terribly scared of that space, but I will find a way to befriend it. I can fill it with anything I want, under one condition: Authenticity to my present (pun intended). Actually, two conditions: no rushing. I recognize that redefining myself to myself will require some patience and many deep breaths.

Solitary ice cream:
The road to self discovery?

Time to go back. I'm actually sensing a spark of excitement about discovering myself. Should help me with my guilt trip home.

How to Not Force the Force

Me time. Writing/creating time. But nothing. Nothing. 
I'm sitting at Bwe, drinking half-caff of the best, smoothest, most inspiring coffee ever. Seriously, this place is populated by so many writers/authors/bloggers/creators. It's in the air, and probably in the coffee. Why am I getting nothing today? I'm always full of ideas here. But now, on this Sunday afternoon, equipped with the right amount of carved time, my mind is wandering anywhere but....
What's going on?

Can't think of anything? Shoot some selfies!

My last post was all about being back, and Monday night's NYC premiere of Dovid Meyer confirmed the new sensations. Ready to rock n' roll, yes!! New ideas for the video series, interesting new directions, all around inspiration. Momentum. 

Is it because it's half-caff? Is it the too much sake last night? I keep forgetting that there's no sleeping in anymore (till kids go to college?) and that my low alcohol tolerance is even lower as long as I'm nursing (case in point, I had half a glass...). Or is it the fact that today is cold and gray, again? Even though spring has officially started already, it seems like we're still in the midst of the coldest, longest winter ever. Not the friendliest winter to a new mom...Too many snow storms, too many strolling naps in the hallway, too much cabin fever, not enough light, not enough air, not enough social interaction...
Okay, what's with the party pooping? That's not like me. Positive, positive!

Luxuriating in some party pooping

Maybe it's none of the above. Maybe artificial carved out time isn't the way to go. Maybe I need to let my inspiration allow itself to materialize whenever it pleases. Okay, keep talking. This makes sense! How many times have I felt it so powerfully (thank you, Spin class!) but haven't taken it anywhere? I think I have just figured out the key for me. I guess the old me just needs to make some adjustments to motherhood. Did I really think that the old me was just gonna take over? Okay, slightly deluded, but hey, I'm a work-in-progress, and I'm pleased with my new realization (was it obvious to you?). From now on, notes, notes, notes. That's all I need. So when I finally have a moment to sit down, I will be able to fill it with enchanted creative flow derived from notes, notes, notes. 

Okay, I'm going to enjoy staring out the window and taking deep breaths. Let it go. Take it in. Spring is around the corner.

Out the window. Almost spring.

Sleep? No? More?

Do all parents know prior to childbirth where their baby will sleep and for how long? We were proud to have a clear idea actually. The plan was to keep Lulu in a Pack n' Play in our room until two-three months old. Why? We assumed we would want her to sleep with us until we were all ready to move her to her own room. Of course, I didn't understand the word "ready" prior to becoming a mama. How do we know she's ready? And the even more complex question- How do we know WE are ready?...Once again, who knew that we would be the hindering cause....Before Lulu was born, I personally insisted that Goog and I take ownership of our private couple space as soon as possible- the minute our baby showed signs of "ready."

Needless to say, yours truly hadn't defined "ready". It became the vague idea of two to three months. There had been no doubt in my mind that three months would be the latest she would move to her cute purple personal space. Tricky assumption. It's quite clear by now that Lulu's sleep is easily interrupted by coughs, sneezes, our footsteps, her mama's smell and a lot more. Anything that comes from US. Outside noise? Forget about it! She's immune! Garbage trucks, sirens, our noisy heater/AC unit that randomly roars throughout the night, fireworks (!!), you name it. Fresh example: We're at a cafe right now (Bwe- best coffee, inspiring space, personal favorite), and Lulu is sleeping so peacefully through loud music, ear-piercing espresso machine, door opening and closing, noisy chatter...But late at night we still have to whisper to each other under the covers (don't get me wrong, it's enchantingly romantic, but sometimes it's hard to breathe in our dreamy tent). 

So deep into her six month birthday, Lulu is still in her Pack n' Play, sharing sleeping space with her parents. Who is not ready? Lulu or her parents?...

Since her three month birthday, we've been telling each other periodically that Lulu undoubtedly still needed us right by her at night, but the excuse is not working anymore, since we seem to interrupt her sleep even when we try so hard not to move in bed...

It's us... Deep inside we know it's us. And now we know it's time... We can't wait to reclaim ownership of our couple space, we can't wait to proudly step into our bedroom at night rather than sneak in, we can't wait to not think twice before getting up to pee at night. We can't wait for everyone to sleep (Granted we quickly transition out of staring at the monitor all night, which I have a feeling will happen)!!! And yet, we are still pondering the meaning of "ready"...Just one more night....or...week? Of course we keep telling ourselves that Lulu is the one who is not ready.

Do we give ourselves a clear deadline? We currently have a vague "within the week". The time has come!.....Any day now...

For some reason, I can imagine us still whispering under the covers, holding our coughs and sneezes and of course avoiding the "loud blanket" for a least a week following Lulu's moving out. Moving out...First time our baby moves out. I hear that you blink and then they are off to college... Ok, I'll stop now. Hormonal breastfeeding mama alert ;-)

Exhibit A: Temporary Storage Space