Thursday, July 16, 2015

Body Lotion on My Boobs: A Wean-Wean Situation

 Tips for Gently Weaning Your Toddler and a Whole Lot of Breastfeeding Photos from a Fervently Sentimental Mama

    

I think we weaned today. It's only been a few days since I introduced the idea of weaning to Lulu (with very mixed emotions,) and this morning she surprised me by being open to an alternative to my milk, aka hemp-coconut. When it was time to nurse she was happy with the cup of milk as a substitute for my boob. I watched her walking around, smirking and saying "milk" with pride and even raising the cup, declaring "boob," as in-- this is my boob replacement and I'm totally cool with that. She even asked for more! Lulu approves of this new taste and she's pumped (pun times) to drink milk from a cup rather than from a boob. Done. It means that last night was our last nursing session (!!!! ???) and now I am watching my baby while sobbing internally in perplexed, emotional disbelief. Is this really it?? 
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No, it wasn't it. I started that post two months ago, almost a whole month before we actually weaned, but you see I didn't know it yet and so the highlights of date night that evening were Goog trying to comfort me and sushi that tasted like tears. Oh, how naive I was. 

That goes to show you that you can't wean cold turkey. I mean you probably can, but you shouldn't. The longer you've nursed the longer you should take to wean. I mean there's always the option of 100% self-weaning, which is what I had initially set out to do. Well, not initially (Hello I'm Liat and I'm a sidetracker.) At birth I didn't know much about nursing except for the fact that I wanted to do it but had no idea for how long (Note: Don't ever ask a mom how long she plans to breastfeed. We don't know exactly how long and it's annoying and smells like judgment.) 


At some point, probably a few months in, I couldn't imagine myself not nursing. My love for breastfeeding increased hand-in-hand with my love for Lulu. As we reached toddlerhood, we discovered a whole new set of benefits to breastfeeding in addition to the obvious. At 18 months we moved to two nursing sessions a day (unless immediate comfort was needed, which made nursing even more sensible to continue.) 


My mind was set: I would do that tandem nursing thing! Totally! Visions and fantasies kept pouring in- it would solve so many problems! I would nurse for years, kid after kid. It would make pregnancy with a toddler easier, the milk would already be flowing so no issues with first days supply and such. And of course, if Lulu ever got jealous, then the boob would still be available to her. Unless, of course, she self-weaned any time before she had a sibling. It was going to be 100% self weaning.
But once again, I was naive and ignored my needs. Sounds familiar?

As Lulu reached the age of two, I reached the We-Must-Wean phase. Breastfeeding affects each woman differently, and after two years I dared to admit to myself that I wanted my body back all to myself. I wanted my boobs to not only feel like food. Most importantly, I realized I didn't want to embark on another pregnancy before I had all of me to myself, before I found the hormonal balance I was missing, before I could spend time getting to know clean-slate me. I wanted to be the best mama I could be and I knew I needed to recharge and reconnect with myself in order to be prepared for my new phase of motherhood. Needless to say, I also felt painfully guilty and selfish because clearly Lulu had other plans for us. She did not share the same views and it turned out she was not self-weaning material. 
Sorry, not self-weaning material

I was stuck and Google was disappointing so I started reaching out to mamas who knew exactly what I was dealing with. I was afraid to be judged, even though I was only I who was judging me. They reminded me that two years is a remarkable achievement and how hard on myself I can be. Feeling less and less guilty led the way to finding the gentlest, most loving and respectful ways I could find to slowly but surely wean. I also learned from the most supportive mama that it's a "beautiful dance" and so it was. A process. There was no science to guide me through the process, just strong instincts. 

Friends have been asking me for tips since Lulu and I completed our long weaning process and I finally sat down and compiled the following guide. By no means do I pretend to present a step-by-step guide and personally I wouldn't have been satisfied following one myself. I highly recommend discovering your own weaning journey and letting the process lead you as organically as can be.


Here is a group of ideas that worked for us, which I hope can help you feel less lost and more secure, confident and empowered on your path to weaning.


How to Gently Wean Your Toddler


1. Get in the Instincts Zone

Now stay there! Don't desert it for Google or any forum de jour. Simple idea but without a doubt the most important thing I will say to you here. Let your mama instincts guide you and, just as significantly, TRUST that they will. Just knowing they are at your disposal can lighten your load. You will be impressed with the creative ideas they will come up with. They know your child and you better than any expert/doctor/guru/fellow mom. The Instincts Zone works best in the moment, when you need an immediate answer. When I was trying to move from short to even shorter sessions, a fun song of counting came to me. We would count together so Lulu had a light framework for how much time she had with my boob. It turned into more of a game and less of a way to get Lulu off the boob. 

2. Map Out Specific Steps You Wish to Take But Be Open to Shifts and Avoid Stopwatching

Don't be discouraged if you have to take a step back after moving forward. Trust me, you are still moving in the right direction, even if it's a lot slower than you expected.
Don't be discouraged. You'll get there.

 - We started out our weaning with two nursing sessions a day. You might be starting with four or even five, so be patient with your journey and remember that the more daily sessions the longer the process should be. Take it step by step...by step, unless your child demonstrates readiness for rapid progression.

- I didn't decide which nursing session of the day will be the last to go even though I was told it was always the morning one. We experimented with both to find the best option for us. You will know when you get there.


- I slooooowly started shortening our two sessions a day (before bed needed more work as we started out with 15-20 minutes (very long, I know) until they became very, very short. It took weeks (and sometimes we moved backwards) but this was the most organic, almost unnoticeable way to approach a relatively painless weaning process.


- A smart mama shared with me her brilliant evening ritual while she was weaning. We changed the order and started nursing before bath time, right after dinner. I highly doubted it would go smoothly because our right-before-bed nursing session felt like something that could never change except for shortening it a drop. You can imagine how shocked I was when Lulu happily adapted. It
 broke the link between boobs and sleep, which was a pivotal step on the road to full weaning. 


I still chose to continue "doing" bedtime every night by maintaining all of our other routines (singing our lullabies, going over everything we have done that day, sharing my blessings for a peaceful night's sleep, our special kisses and hugs etc.) so Lulu would not  feel like "everything" was being taken away from her. Yes, at first the voices in my head yelled something like hello?! What the hell are you doing?! Go somewhere! Do something! But it was worth it. The truth is, I didn't and still don't mind our bedtime routine. I enjoy it even after we weaned and prefer to be there as much as I can.

- I made a choice to replace our boob milk with non-dairy milk and we experimented with hemp-coconut (which Lulu claimed tasted closest to my milk,) unsweetened vanilla almond and unsweetened cashew. Even though she asks for it occasionally and goes through periods of milk every morning, Lulu seems disinterested in replacement milk as a daily habit and I have released the milk idea, knowing that she gets all essential nutrients from food. I still can't help but offer it every morning as I pour my non-dairy choice into my coffee...


3. Talk Talk Talk

The more prepared your toddler is the easier it will be for both of you. 
Give their listening comprehension the credit it deserves- they do understand! First, I planted the seed by talking to Lulu a lot about it before we actually changed our nursing routine. Even though her response was always "no" (with the subtext of "Do me a favor, let's change the subject",) she understood that sometime in the future milk would no longer reside in my boobs but there would be replacements and she would still, for instance, be able to hug the boobs for comfort if she wanted to. Whatever you choose to say, remain respectful and make sure your child does not feel shame in the fact that they want to nurse. 

Once we were left with one nursing session a day and my supply was far from something to write home about, I tasted my milk and it was salty. Ladies, weaning milk is salty! I decided to recruit the new fact, so every time we nursed I would gently remind Lulu that the little milk that was left was salty and maybe not so yummy anymore. It still didn't stop her but this is when our nursing sessions dramatically shortened into seconds (as in let's count to ten, maybe fifteen.) And yet we continued to nurse, holding on to that special hard-to-describe bond while I was flooded with mixed feelings and sadness over the nearing end of an era. My "salty" statement eventually worked way too well, as Lulu mocked my boobs calling them  "yucky" for weeks after we weaned. She made sure that everyone around knew that "the boobs are broken."  


4. New Rituals

Once you've started your weaning journey, invite other rituals that keep the two of you close. Don't force anything, be in the moment, let your child lead and only introduce rituals that feel right to both of you. Dancing, cuddling, getting your nails done, anything imaginable that makes your child feels like she has you all to herself.

The last couple of weeks of weaning were the toughest on Lulu. We were left with only a few seconds in the morning and as she began longing for more exclusive mommy time, Lulu asked to revisit our good old Ergo and before I knew it, we started taking early, tender morning walks, the only thing that truly calmed her and set a peaceful tone for the day. She would hold on tight and we would sing and talk or just hold hands quietly. It was our unbreakable, uninterrupted bonding time together, almost like nursing.


For a few weeks she also asked to get in the Ergo with a pacifier at least once a day, not for walking outside but just to be close. Even though we only use a pacifier for sleep, I embraced it as a worthy replacement ritual.
Weaning Ergo trips

One of Ergo's first days on the job

 At this point she no longer asks for the carrier but does ask to relax on Goog and me with her pacifier and we follow our gentle approach by allowing short spurts. Her new world does not include the remarkable closeness provided by nursing and we find it important to remain flexible, loving and attentive.  


5. Stay Around 

This may sound a little radical but try to stay around throughout the weaning process. Weaning while you're absent is popular for a reason. It certainly makes it emotionally easier on you and the weaning process can be potentially complete in one weekend, which made me consider the option, but once theory entered reality, I just knew that I needed to be there to provide all of our other comforting routines. 
Staying around

I should confess that the first night when I decidedly did not nurse felt like entering the lion's den. I mean what was I thinking?! She would just let me gingerly skip her most sacred evening ritual?! Just like that??
Well she actually did! I believe the only reason it went smoothly was because, in addition to it being a process rather than abrupt withdrawal, I was still offering the security and comfort of our whole evening routine (minus the boob.) 

6. As Gentle as Can Be, There Will Still Be Tears

It will be a slow, gentle, intentional, mindful, loving, respectful process but you should have realistic expectations: You will both shed tears and it will be painful to some degree. Sometimes very painful.
Take daily pictures

For me the most dramatic emotions erupted in the beginning of our journey. I was already imagining us fully weaned and I remember asking Goog to take daily pictures for fear that "today might be the last nursing session." (I said naive, didn't I?) The last day of weaning went almost unnoticed as I was preparing for so long.

Saying goodbye to breastfeeding your child is a monumental event and it's impossible to escape the emotional impact, even if you can't wait to wean. Not to mention there are hormones involved, and I don't need to tell you about the lovely hormones, do I?..

Tears
As for Lulu, it took a whole month of not nursing for her to release the last trace of frustration and anger. Even though she was absolutely content without boob milk, she was still reminded of the ritualistic aspect and it took a long time till she could come into our bed in the morning without being sort of pissed at me for a moment. You can't blame her for missing what we used to do together every morning for over 25 months.
I miss those calm, snugly moments too! But during those first post-weaning weeks we had no morning huggies.

Bye bye, morning huggies

She would tell Goog with the utmost urgency that they needed to go into the kitchen together and make the coffee. Their bond, while we are at it, has been growing so beautifully ever since we weaned that sometimes (and sometimes more than sometimes) I'm no longer her go-to person (Yay! But also...pinch at the heart....but yay....pinch...yay...)


Still buddies

Yes, it took us weeks, but I'm proud to share that Lulu and I now enjoy affectionately reminiscing about the days we used to nurse and she loves to demonstrate how there's no more milk left in my boobs. She's actually become extra cuddly with me.


A few days ago I was struck  by the realization that I was still avoiding the boob area whenever I rubbed body lotion. Can anyone relate? So there I was--post-shower--and just went for it! Whoa! BODY LOTION ON MY BOOBS! I can't say it's back to feeling as natural as it used to but body lotion is for the whole body and it's time for me to reconnect all of my dots and include my boobs in my me rituals.



Just one more for the road 

Friday, May 29, 2015

I Found My Light Switch

It has taken me too long to select the New Post option and I am not entirely sure why. After all, I will soon be celebrating three whole months of glorious Morning Pages, my good old ritual that hit full stop as soon as Lulu was born. Clearly, my writing muscle has been practiced, even though my muse tends to be the two-year-old on my lap who devours unreasonable amounts of berries while filling up my pages with her own writing style. Maybe it's the difference between writing to myself (more accurately my diary, "who" has a very distinct persona that took life in GUTS) and writing publicly? Or maybe I have just been too preoccupied with being preoccupied with the fact that I haven't been producing blogs? Bottom line is that celebrating my birthday a few days ago sent me back to last year's birthday post, which resulted in whetting my public writing appetite. 
Liat Bulb
Reading the post made it easy to reflect on my last birthday and I was pleased to count the ways I have grown since. But to my surprise, I was also pleased to realize how I am still challenged, a year later. See, I have unearthed the old me in the last few weeks, and for the first time since Lulu was born, I feel truly open to releasing knots, letting go and rediscovering myself. Any goal appears more accessible these days. 

You don't have to believe me. You probably shouldn't. Reading old blogs will prove why. Not too proud to admit, but I have befriended that "I'm back" phase before, in fact right here...Remember the March 2014 post Setting Up a New Stage- My Old Me is Reborn?? I was so elated to come up with my In Your Face Mama which I was about to turn into a video series. Series my ass. Ideas kept vanishing before I even wrote them down, let alone materialized them and then they stopped coming all together. Then the next cycle surfaced, giddy and all, and this time I may have or may have not written ideas down. On occasion, I actually started something, but then my creativity entered another hibernation phase (in my defense, we did have an abusive winter.) Where did my famous integrity go? (Motherhood undermines your "anything-else" integrity . Discuss.) It was replaced by shameless, baseless declarations of crippled wishful thinking combined with digging even deeper into the swamp of my safe, familiar all-inclusive mothering.
But just like the warm sun we woke up to one day this spring, assuring us that awful winter is done with, my integrity is shining again. I promise!
Warm spring sun
 
I really am back, as much back as I can imagine a new mama being back.

You see, I reached a major breakthrough about two months ago: I went to visit my Abba for the first time on the last day of our Israel trip. Even though I blogged last year about stepping ahead in my grieving process, while acknowledging two years to losing him, it was a mere delusion, one of many I have maintained so craftily in the last two and a half years. I had been carrying the heaviest load for so long and denial was no longer serving me (believe me it served me in new motherhood.) 
Of course I had to be forced. My mom told me I would not leave Israel before I went to the cemetery, a word I couldn't even think of, not to mention say out loud. I am so thankful for her ultimatum because after the breakdown and the uncontrolled tears at the cemetery, I reached a calm place that surprised me tremendously.

I found myself asking my mom to leave me alone with him. For the first time since he left us I talked to him. I talked a lot. First with a trembling voice, then with much clearer words. I leaned on the cold stone and it comforted me, almost as if I was hugging him. I couldn't stop talking and I didn't want to leave. I finally opened my heart to acceptance of this cruel reality, and even though it hurts so much, it's accompanied by a new sense of peace and strength I hadn't been able to feel while the pain was eating me inside. And ever since that day my smiles seem fuller, my laughs are back to being annoyingly loud and my insomnia has practically disappeared. 
Fuller smiles. Birthday '15
I enjoy things more wholeheartedly. It is the equivalent of recovering from depression. It probably IS recovering from depression. I have been depressed and did not want to know it. 


Two weeks before he passed away, my Abba asked me at his hospital bed to continue to live fully and happily. I was upset that he dared to utter these words, as I expected him to make a full recovery and live to enjoy the granddaughter who was growing inside me at the time. I expected him to share with me many years of happiness, hugs, kisses and our secret language. I did not prepare myself for what happened ten days after we landed in New York. When we received the news I refused to mentally "go there" and for hours I repeated the word NO. The word NO became my go-to for many months whenever I started sinking into the pain of missing my Abba. NO, it didn't really happen. NO, I'm not saying goodbye. NO!

The powerful release at the cemetery enabled me to come to terms with life without his physical presence. It opened me up to connecting with and even deriving strength from his non-physical presence in our lives, including our Lulu who now has access to her remarkable Sabba. No longer hiding photos, I was looking at him recently with her, finding myself teaching her his name (Sabba Itzik) and tearfully sharing funny stories. A victorious moment. 
No more hiding photos

Acceptance set me free. Life has become easier to manage, lighter if you will, and my optimistic disposition has finally resurfaced. I can now redirect the enormous energy it took me to hold on to denial. I can now experience uninhibited pleasure outside the safe cocoon of my motherhood and relationship with Goog. I am one step closer to what my Abba wanted me to do. 

Another completely different game changer is that at 25 months, Lulu has weaned from breastfeeding, but this post is now at risk of becoming impossibly lengthy. Let's leave that topic for another time. (There we go, I can undoubtedly return to blogging because whether I make sense or not, there is no lack of topics over here.) I'm trying to make a point here. My new-found liberated state of mind, heart and soul is making any goal more attainable. My original intention here was to see whether I have met any of the goals I set out for myself on my last birthday, but as someone who doesn't believe in resolutions I find myself smiling while revisiting the short list, knowing I have met one sweeping, momentous accomplishment that makes everything else at least appear more feasible.
Practicing momentum

If you read all the way here, I salute you. Thank you for sticking around while I turn the lights back on in my mental blogging space (and open the windows. Phew. Must air out this joint.) And you know how I said before that you shouldn't believe me? I have officially decided: Maybe this time you actually should.