I Finally Have a Babysitter But I'm Still Not Making Cents!!!

I have a confession to make. It has been very difficult for me to leave Lulu. And when I do leave for a few hours, she is with Goog or grandparents....but as I'm typing these words, my 15 month old is alone, for the first time, with a person who is not family. Yes, I took the plunge and hired a babysitter. Just a few hours a week at first, until I slowly step back into my career. I'm taking baby steps to return to acting, and I am not sure when I will be ready for full gear. It's so challenging to redefine myself as an actor who is now also a mother. I have changed and it's taking me a lot of energy and mental resources to surrender to the idea that I will never be the same...

I believe I have new layers and depths to offer as an actor and performer but I'm not willing to do anything to get an acting job. I'm not even willing to take just any role. Nudity used to be the only red line, but now I'm not willing to take on anything that will make me miss Lulu too much...

Selfies are just another
form of digression, mama. Just saying.

Digression alert. All I meant to say was that right now is my first time and surprisingly I'm doing very well and Lulu is doing well and it's only a couple of hours. Phew. The time has come. It was the right thing to do, the healthy thing to do, even though I have been fighting it for a while. The idea of paying someone to spend time with Lulu while I'm not making my own money (yet) took  my mommy guilt to new extreme highs. I have been trying to convince myself that I didn't really need a break ("But I go to the gym! That's my break!") and every time that I did ask for a break, I found a way to sabotage it. But who am I kidding? What am I trying to prove? I need to accept where I am and recognize that there's nothing wrong with it.
I never wanted to predefine how long I would be a Stay-at-Home-Mom, just like I never wanted to predefine how long I would nurse. Or define myself as a parent. I wanted everything to feel organic to our specific journey. And organic it felt. I learnt on the way that we were practicing something close to attachment parenting without knowing anything about it. To this day I haven't read about attachment parenting and I don't feel the need to read parenting books. I just follow my instincts and intuition and it has been working well. We do what makes sense for us, and following what books (who don't know us) say we should do doesn't really make so much sense to us... Although...I obviously can't always trust myself (not surprising, I know), so once in a while I take a break to question, doubt and bash the hell out of my parenting, but I hear that's perfectly "normal"...

I digress again (another new characteristic I have acquired since becoming a mom. Comes with a plethora of other brain dysfunctions). On the nursing front, we are continuing strong and proud, and I think we will wean when Lulu is ready to wean (once again, I never imagined I would find myself so content with extended breastfeeding and even more so- in disagreement with the term- extended breastfeeding). However, the Stay-at-Home-Mom thing...well...that one is more complex. I will not say that "just a mom" is not enough, because, excuse the cliche, it is the most important thing I will ever do. And hardest. And rewarding. And amazing. But (no but) at this point in time, I just need to expand and add more to my world. I have arrived at the place where I acutely need more. It's time to own it. Naturally, the "more" would be my previous-to-Motherhood occupations, right?  Well, as I revisit this old world of mine I am faced, as mentioned above, with some serious resistance. Why is that, I ask myself. I-ask-myself MY ASS!! I ask myself sounds so polite, collected, calm and wise so let's just be honest. No composed energy here. I'm freaking out! I'm screaming-silently, of course- in front of the mirror, staring at my face in hopes to unearth the old me. Nope. I can't find. I can't connect. Shit, it's been three hours on the clock and babysitting session is  almost over and I haven't completed my reconnection process! Time is money, mama! Reconnect already, damn it! Figure yourself out! You have an hour left! What's your problem? You are an artist! You have written and performed a one-woman-show. With belly dance! With multimedia! Your brain did that! Your body! You talent! He-llo! Where ARE you?!

Blame the coffee refill that sent me back to my default button (Facebook, you know it) and now I'm left with 25 minutes to figure this career thing out. Nope. it's not happening today. I should know better (How to Not Force the Force).

Revolution! Walking around aimlessly

Here's a revolutionary idea. Why not just stare into the horizon. Not MY horizon! That's just more stress. THE horizon. Empty my mental space until there's pure, uninterrupted silence. Find the closest thing to neutral, if you may (strong cup of coffee, I got fancy for a second). I may need a few more babysitter visits (shut up, guilt!). That's okay! You want organic? THAT'S organic. Discover and rediscover my passions. I'm going to sit down with myself, or walk around aimlessly, or ride the subway, or stroll in supermarkets by myself (AKA my meditation sessions), until I reach a respectable, substantial clear space. I'm terribly scared of that space, but I will find a way to befriend it. I can fill it with anything I want, under one condition: Authenticity to my present (pun intended). Actually, two conditions: no rushing. I recognize that redefining myself to myself will require some patience and many deep breaths.

Solitary ice cream:
The road to self discovery?

Time to go back. I'm actually sensing a spark of excitement about discovering myself. Should help me with my guilt trip home.