Liberation Movement

You are talking to a mama who has just gotten her iPhone back after 8 days of a semi-forced break. Why semi? One day into it, my experience began to transition from stressed, anxious, frustrated, scared (that I had lost all of my un-backed-up data) and heavily guilt-ridden (for having disrespected phone by "accidentally" dropping it many times and showering it with water, coffee and melted ice cubes. I have a theory I had wanted it to go away, but that's for a therapy session) to liberated, more relaxed, present, in the moment, able to watch where I was walking and dabbled in more spontaneity. Generally my experience resembled walking around on a hot day wearing a dress and no underwear.

In the Moment. Just BE.

The experience morphed into an experiment. Maybe it was the new found clarity, but I found myself observing my feelings and behavior with a magnifying glass. A day or two into the experiment I unexpectedly lost the urgency to fix/replace it. How did that happen? Well, first step was the relief of finding out I hadn't lost my precious data. Next step entered as I stopped worrying that I would not be able to communicate with anyone, let alone make any plans (Surprise! It's possible!). Next was learning to not freak out about not being able to take nonstop pictures and videos of Lulu.

And then came the "I'm actually okay without a phone" phase. No celebratory dance, just feeling "okay" and surviving just fine.

On day 3 the "okay" turned into more palpable sensations. Being In the Moment became my reality most of the time in the last few days. Yes, I do normally strive to get there but who am I kidding? The notion of being "in-the-moment" has been morbidly warped ever since we've all become phone addicts, around the time smart phones came to be so irresistibly alluring, complex and friendly.
I'm thinking of the camera my phone has become since I turned into a mama. Almost every discovery and exciting moment is filmed. It's so quick and easy and tempting. How can you not reach for your phone when your baby has just given you the cutest giggle or dance or song or messy eating sequence? You are mindful that you are overdoing it and even promise to yourself to stop and just experience the moment sans visual documentation but...but...the phone is right there....and you only have to press a button...and you will make the whole family so happy when they get the email...and you can watch it again and again tonight when you are relaxing after a long day but somehow missing your baby. No, I'm not addicted at all...I can stop anytime...Really?!

Well, the idea is actually not to stop, it's just about moderation. But moderation is not so popular these days when it comes to our sacred phones. Goog asked me yesterday what we will do many years from now with all these photos and videos? How often are we realistically going to look at all of them? Do we really need that many? Food for thought.

It turned out that being phone-free forced such a delicious kind of in the moment on me that I almost got addicted to that as well (another topic for a therapy session, which reminds me that I haven't found "time" for therapy since I had a baby- wrong move!). I was able to just be, which includes really BE with Lulu when I was with her. I didn't have to reply to emails, texts, phone calls, Facebook messages, comments. I didn't have to Like any status, post anything, document anything (though I did miss taking notes), "check" anything, virtually search anything, read anything or have immediate responses to ANYTHING but what was happening right there in front of me. So simple. Naturally there was less stress and it made me miss the simplicity of life before our phones became really smart (and they just keep getting smarter!). I had actually resisted a smart phone for the longest time, now that I think of it. I remember I didn't want to be so available all the time. I liked that I was only immediately reachable via text and a phone call.

Simple times. Quiet times. A big part of me started not missing my phone and I was okay postponing my Apple appointment to replace it. When I finally got my new phone, I wasn't ecstatic and so I vowed to not have a phone at least one day a week. Too many realizations arrived when my phone was away for me to not make a change. One day. Maybe more than one. I will also continue my tradition of turning off my phone at least 2 hours before bedtime (it's gotten harder since new mama here more often than not falls asleep at 9:30 but the idea is to wind down phone-free every night).

New shiny phone. Back to one-hand-on-stroller-other-hand-on-phone (you know what I'm talking about!), back to reading all my Huffington Post on our walks (Did I tell you that I do my best reading while I'm walking?...), back to multiple daily impromptu photo shoots, back to holding the device more than I should (What a strange habit. Why do we do that?). But this time it is different because my relationship with my iPhone has evolved. We are probably still too attached but I now know how good it can feel to take a break.
And on that note, I'm taking a break.

ADDENDUM
Confession. This post has been sitting on my laptop a whole week, waiting to be released. Maybe I needed to test out my above vow...Bottom line: I am yet to take a full day break from my phone. My technology mindfulness level remains high but my phone and I have not taken the next, healthy step in our relationship. Case in point, we are starting this weekend. Free weekend day is a more realistic goal because Goog's phone is there if I really need it. Once we conquer weekend, we can climb higher.  I know we can. Clearly we are moving in the right direction. Faith.