I Finally Have a Babysitter But I'm Still Not Making Cents!!!

I have a confession to make. It has been very difficult for me to leave Lulu. And when I do leave for a few hours, she is with Goog or grandparents....but as I'm typing these words, my 15 month old is alone, for the first time, with a person who is not family. Yes, I took the plunge and hired a babysitter. Just a few hours a week at first, until I slowly step back into my career. I'm taking baby steps to return to acting, and I am not sure when I will be ready for full gear. It's so challenging to redefine myself as an actor who is now also a mother. I have changed and it's taking me a lot of energy and mental resources to surrender to the idea that I will never be the same...

I believe I have new layers and depths to offer as an actor and performer but I'm not willing to do anything to get an acting job. I'm not even willing to take just any role. Nudity used to be the only red line, but now I'm not willing to take on anything that will make me miss Lulu too much...

Selfies are just another
form of digression, mama. Just saying.

Digression alert. All I meant to say was that right now is my first time and surprisingly I'm doing very well and Lulu is doing well and it's only a couple of hours. Phew. The time has come. It was the right thing to do, the healthy thing to do, even though I have been fighting it for a while. The idea of paying someone to spend time with Lulu while I'm not making my own money (yet) took  my mommy guilt to new extreme highs. I have been trying to convince myself that I didn't really need a break ("But I go to the gym! That's my break!") and every time that I did ask for a break, I found a way to sabotage it. But who am I kidding? What am I trying to prove? I need to accept where I am and recognize that there's nothing wrong with it.
I never wanted to predefine how long I would be a Stay-at-Home-Mom, just like I never wanted to predefine how long I would nurse. Or define myself as a parent. I wanted everything to feel organic to our specific journey. And organic it felt. I learnt on the way that we were practicing something close to attachment parenting without knowing anything about it. To this day I haven't read about attachment parenting and I don't feel the need to read parenting books. I just follow my instincts and intuition and it has been working well. We do what makes sense for us, and following what books (who don't know us) say we should do doesn't really make so much sense to us... Although...I obviously can't always trust myself (not surprising, I know), so once in a while I take a break to question, doubt and bash the hell out of my parenting, but I hear that's perfectly "normal"...

I digress again (another new characteristic I have acquired since becoming a mom. Comes with a plethora of other brain dysfunctions). On the nursing front, we are continuing strong and proud, and I think we will wean when Lulu is ready to wean (once again, I never imagined I would find myself so content with extended breastfeeding and even more so- in disagreement with the term- extended breastfeeding). However, the Stay-at-Home-Mom thing...well...that one is more complex. I will not say that "just a mom" is not enough, because, excuse the cliche, it is the most important thing I will ever do. And hardest. And rewarding. And amazing. But (no but) at this point in time, I just need to expand and add more to my world. I have arrived at the place where I acutely need more. It's time to own it. Naturally, the "more" would be my previous-to-Motherhood occupations, right?  Well, as I revisit this old world of mine I am faced, as mentioned above, with some serious resistance. Why is that, I ask myself. I-ask-myself MY ASS!! I ask myself sounds so polite, collected, calm and wise so let's just be honest. No composed energy here. I'm freaking out! I'm screaming-silently, of course- in front of the mirror, staring at my face in hopes to unearth the old me. Nope. I can't find. I can't connect. Shit, it's been three hours on the clock and babysitting session is  almost over and I haven't completed my reconnection process! Time is money, mama! Reconnect already, damn it! Figure yourself out! You have an hour left! What's your problem? You are an artist! You have written and performed a one-woman-show. With belly dance! With multimedia! Your brain did that! Your body! You talent! He-llo! Where ARE you?!

Blame the coffee refill that sent me back to my default button (Facebook, you know it) and now I'm left with 25 minutes to figure this career thing out. Nope. it's not happening today. I should know better (How to Not Force the Force).

Revolution! Walking around aimlessly

Here's a revolutionary idea. Why not just stare into the horizon. Not MY horizon! That's just more stress. THE horizon. Empty my mental space until there's pure, uninterrupted silence. Find the closest thing to neutral, if you may (strong cup of coffee, I got fancy for a second). I may need a few more babysitter visits (shut up, guilt!). That's okay! You want organic? THAT'S organic. Discover and rediscover my passions. I'm going to sit down with myself, or walk around aimlessly, or ride the subway, or stroll in supermarkets by myself (AKA my meditation sessions), until I reach a respectable, substantial clear space. I'm terribly scared of that space, but I will find a way to befriend it. I can fill it with anything I want, under one condition: Authenticity to my present (pun intended). Actually, two conditions: no rushing. I recognize that redefining myself to myself will require some patience and many deep breaths.

Solitary ice cream:
The road to self discovery?

Time to go back. I'm actually sensing a spark of excitement about discovering myself. Should help me with my guilt trip home.

A Real Fakation

I have the perfect idea for you IF you refuse to leave your baby, but still long to go away for a couples vacation and:
1) There's a hotel walking distance from home.
2) There are family members who are able and willing to babysit overnight.

I give you......

FAKATION 
(Staycation's Resourceful & Happier Cousin)!!!

It's so easy to forget to nurture the original family unit 
once you have babies. Goog and I had promised ourselves and each other that once we started creating people, we would welcome them into our world and proudly introduce them to our core unit rather than completely transform our relationship into one title: Parents. It takes work, especially during the early, dark, sleep-deprived months of parenthood, but it coincides with the way we want to design our life. Phew.
Enter our fakation. Last weekend we went on the most
romantic, relaxing and rejuvenating fakation. Loved it! Will repeat. Aiming for monthly. It worked for us and I know it can work for other couples as long as you fill it with your own desirable version. Shall I add that, granted you fit the 
above description, it's the most affordable and easiest-to-pull-off romantic getaway you can muster?

Saturday afternoon, we packed very light (refreshing for two people who normally take over-packing to grotesque extremes) and put on our flip flops. You gotta have your flip flops on for such an occasion. As we grabbed each other's hands, walking out at 2:00 pm on our way to check into the hotel room, we immediately became tourists in our own town. The transition was effortlessly instant. Our eyes lit up and everything became a novelty for us. We stopped by the organic market to load up on room snacks and it felt like a sweet foreign store in a small vacation town ...Walking the aisles we frequent daily (sometimes twice a day) was like the first time. We even discovered new snacks together (Yes, we like supermarkets). The streets of our own town felt different too, miraculously experienced like never before. 

"It's All Yours!"

The hotel room was quiet, neat, clean and bonus- there were no toys for us to stumble upon on the floor. It was also missing piles of dirty laundry waiting to be served. It said, "Hello, welcome! Come on in! Jump on the bed! Look at the breathtaking view! Breathe! It's all yours!" It was just Goog and me and it felt like we had traveled a thousand miles. When we woke up from the first nap I have taken in months, there was a brand new sense of relaxation in the air. We were so mindful of every moment in this vacation that, even though it was only a total of 27 hours including sleep, naps and 3 Lulu visits, it felt complete and fulfilling as an appropriately deserving couple's getaway should. Also, the way it was designed allowed us to avoid the pain of missing her. It was just right. So yes, knowing that your fakation is so short makes you appreciate every second of it, not to mention that you don't need to deal with the misery of missing your baby, which makes the pleasure even more unobstructedly pure.

Freshly napped

We walked back home for Lulu's bedtime as we finished gulping our beautifully lazy afternoon. After nursing and exchanging our customary million kisses goodnight, I was ready for our night out. I honored my little black dress fetish (the fetish isn't little, I assure you) and put on red lipstick for the first time ever not as part of a costume. Goog put on his sexy version of an LBD and we were off, leaving Lulu for the night with her uber-dedicated Grandma.

Red Lipstick Debut

Our intimate date was followed by a long night's sleep and the highlight: We slept in! I can't remember the last time I slept uninterruptedly till 7:30 and didn't even need to get out of bed. Now, THAT was a novelty (at least in the last year or so)! Our coffee-in-bed tradition made a revival appearance. Pre-parenthood it was a prerequisite. It's the little things...(although coffee in our household is far from a little thing. One of Lulu's first verbal expressions was "a cup of coffee," which sounds like "Ka Ko," but we know what she means.)
At 9:00 we met Lulu and Grandma in the park outside our hotel for some late morning cuddles and mama's milk.

Morning Visit Glory

We then proceeded to more original family unit time, which included a solid fakation breakfast dressed up as a luxurious brunch.
Even though we had to check out at noon, our fakation was not over. We brought our humble luggage back home as Lulu was getting ready for her nap so that we could recharge on some more hugs and kisses. Now, the next fakation activities had been left open to figure out on the spot, and so we ended up with the most romantic Target and Whole Foods visits we have had in a long time. But that's just us. Fakation time can be filled with whatever floats your sexy boat.
Two hours before bedtime was the official ending of our fakation, but since our batteries had been so meticulously recharged, it felt as if it lasted till...the next morning. But I'll tell ya, this fakation was as real as it gets.