How about a brutally honest list. I never do this (compose lists that explain things, not be brutally honest), but I will now. Get to the bottom of this strange phenomenon and perhaps be more prepared for Saturday. It will also be nice to find a way to get pumped.
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| 4 days, Mama. Get with the program. |
Dig Deep.
Why am I Not Getting Excited About Lulu's First Birthday: A Brutally Honest List
1. The Headache:
Okay, I'm starting with the obvious. It's a big day. Monumental. Your first baby's first birthday happens only once (any birthday happens only once but no one is asking me). I'm a performer, a producer, an artistic mama. There are high expectations here. Up to par, mama. Up to par! But whether it's other people's expectations or mine, I'm not supplying the goods. Part of me feels it would be silly to create a whole production for someone who would not fully recognize its purpose.
I go back and forth, but we already set a date for the party. I want small and intimate at home, but we have a big family so that's not realistic. We are keeping it at home, though. That's where I draw the line. How do we fit everyone in our apartment? Well, that's why it's called The Headache.
Resolution? Waiting till the last minute. I'm serious. I tend to work well under time pressure, and so said Headache will be reduced to a short amount of time.
2. "Just a Little Bit Longer"- Fear of the Unknown:
I was never ready to give birth to Lulu. The combination of enjoying my pregnancy and being quite phobic about labor and delivery pain resulted in the intense wish to extend it "just a little bit longer." I may be reluctant to cross the first year finish line because the second year brings about a new system: Toddlerhood. I'm just so enchantedly adept and conversant in the Infancy system that I would like to enjoy it for just a little bit longer. Can you blame me? (Please don't answer that.) I recognize it's not possible just as much as I recognized that keeping Lulu in my belly forever wasn't possible either, but a girl can dream. Regardless, even though I have a mild or severe case of resistance to change, it is essential to remind myself three things: (a) It's coming very soon, whether I like it or not. (b) Similar to the moment Lulu was born, instantly ending my beloved pregnancy, I will end up passionately relishing and rejoicing in the new chapter. (c) Embracing rather than resisting has always paid off, with interest.
3. A Case of "I'm Not Ready for Her to Grow Up":
This is close to my previous point but deserves its own point simply because I've been there once before when we needed to start solids. Lulu turning a year old strongly resonates with the sensation that she's growing up too fast. I'm spitting distance from imagining her leaving the nest.
Once again, it would be wise to remember the start-of-solids days. New discoveries are exciting and I tend to wholeheartedly enjoy them. So there.
4. I'm Not Where I Thought I Would Be:
Uh-oh...There we go. Deep breath. A year ago I had a different idea of where I would be when Lulu turns one. I didn't think it would take me so long to reconnect with the pre-motherhood me. It's taken me a while and it's still a mystery, especially in the career department. It has taken me a lot longer than I anticipated to feel ready to work and create again and I'm finally there; however, now I'm tortured by the idea of leaving Lulu on a regular basis. I'm profoundly enjoying raising this magnificent human being who is by far my best creation, even with the natural challenges of early motherhood. I'm sorely torn. But I digress. My point is that a whole year sounded like a really long time prior to Lulu's birth. I had plans for myself. Even though deep inside I had a feeling that I would be fervently consumed with being a mother, I didn't imagine that at the year mark I would still be so, hmm, well, consumed. I had a general plan to nurse, for instance, but I didn't anticipate how much I would love it and that it wasn't going to stop at a year. And that's just one example. Embracing really paid off, but it's also confusing. I'm still figuring out my new identity. I continue to find myself once in a while deluded with the idea that I can go back to exactly how I was pre-motherhood. So yes, extending this year will allow me to figure things out, clarify myself to myself and be where I had expected to be. But isn't it foolish? Once again, I'm holding on to hollowness, setting myself up with a useless trap (are traps ever useful? Discuss.). Where am I going with this? The only thing I can truly accomplish by obsessing over my pre-conceived plan is a colossal waste of time, precious time I could be spending by actually creating and reconnecting with what I miss doing. Ouch.
Let go.
Looking deep inside, I realize that I'm thrilled to discover my career path as a mother. At a minimum, I'm pretty sure I have new and improved colors and depths to offer as a performer.
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| Party?! Every day is a party!! |
Phew. So....now that I've dissected the reasoning behind my "dreading", am I prepared? Pumped? Psyched? Based on my exhaustively exhausting investigation, while hoping you haven't fallen asleep just yet, it's inevitable for me to conclude that if allow myself to fully and wholeheartedly exist in the moment, dreading Lulu's upcoming birthday would be an impossibility.
I'm going to focus on the moment.
Embracing the moment. The moment never disappoints me. I'm counting on it to pay off, with interest, as always.
Will report from the field.
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