How to Not Force the Force

Me time. Writing/creating time. But nothing. Nothing. 
I'm sitting at Bwe, drinking half-caff of the best, smoothest, most inspiring coffee ever. Seriously, this place is populated by so many writers/authors/bloggers/creators. It's in the air, and probably in the coffee. Why am I getting nothing today? I'm always full of ideas here. But now, on this Sunday afternoon, equipped with the right amount of carved time, my mind is wandering anywhere but....
What's going on?

Can't think of anything? Shoot some selfies!

My last post was all about being back, and Monday night's NYC premiere of Dovid Meyer confirmed the new sensations. Ready to rock n' roll, yes!! New ideas for the video series, interesting new directions, all around inspiration. Momentum. 

Is it because it's half-caff? Is it the too much sake last night? I keep forgetting that there's no sleeping in anymore (till kids go to college?) and that my low alcohol tolerance is even lower as long as I'm nursing (case in point, I had half a glass...). Or is it the fact that today is cold and gray, again? Even though spring has officially started already, it seems like we're still in the midst of the coldest, longest winter ever. Not the friendliest winter to a new mom...Too many snow storms, too many strolling naps in the hallway, too much cabin fever, not enough light, not enough air, not enough social interaction...
Okay, what's with the party pooping? That's not like me. Positive, positive!

Luxuriating in some party pooping

Maybe it's none of the above. Maybe artificial carved out time isn't the way to go. Maybe I need to let my inspiration allow itself to materialize whenever it pleases. Okay, keep talking. This makes sense! How many times have I felt it so powerfully (thank you, Spin class!) but haven't taken it anywhere? I think I have just figured out the key for me. I guess the old me just needs to make some adjustments to motherhood. Did I really think that the old me was just gonna take over? Okay, slightly deluded, but hey, I'm a work-in-progress, and I'm pleased with my new realization (was it obvious to you?). From now on, notes, notes, notes. That's all I need. So when I finally have a moment to sit down, I will be able to fill it with enchanted creative flow derived from notes, notes, notes. 

Okay, I'm going to enjoy staring out the window and taking deep breaths. Let it go. Take it in. Spring is around the corner.

Out the window. Almost spring.

Setting Up a New Stage- My Old Me is Reborn

As I was typing the above title, I realized the heavy responsibility that comes with it. I'm now held accountable for my new discovery....And since I'm big on integrity, I'm committed to reconnecting with my pre-baby creativity/art/passions/persona, which organically resurfaced in me this week. I'm so delightfully pleased to know that I didn't push or force myself. Knowing that I didn't need to is an extra bonus. I embraced motherhood and it felt good. Still, I can't say that I wasn't terrified to pause once in a while, unable to find a trace of who I used to be. 
My dear friend A. said it best, "Told you that somewhere around a year you truly begin to recognize yourself again in the context of life's most important role...".
So I'm starting with a video project. I'm hoping to make it a series. 
)

New Year. New Room. New Sleep Era

I'm big on integrity, which might explain why I haven't blogged in how long? How could I possibly face you after committing to an immediate big move and not following through for...two whole months?

  

So we finally did it, and now I can look you in the eye. 

Lulu moved to her own room yesterday. We figured New Year's Eve would be the right time. Yes, it took us a long time and a lot of "Next week for SURE!". In our defense I will say that in the last two weeks we have had an added reason (or excuse) to push it off (what about the other month and a half, you might ask). 

You see, Lulu started sleeping through the night, which meant WE started sleeping at last. It was a long process that took dedication, endless love, hard work and... one single moment of discovering sleeping on her belly. A word on that: I think the United States is only place where belly sleeping isn't encouraged until babies get there on their own, but we followed the "rules" and waited, even though we knew it would be the best comfortable position (we also had proof - numerous peaceful supervised naps). My mom actually demanded that I apologize to Lulu for not letting her get to belly sleeping sooner...

I digress. Belly sleeping was our game changer and we became apprehensive about messing with this delicious taste of relief. Who knows how Lulu will take the move? I became anxious, creating scenarios of returning to sleepless nights, insomnia and other fun stuff. I started telling myself that I needed only one more night of uninterrupted sleep before we took the plunge...one more...two more...three more. 

Instead I should have focused on Lulu's tremendous future upgrade. Unmatched accommodations and amenities: No more shaky Pack n' Play! She was going to move to a room of her own, free of tiptoeing whispering parents who still managed to wake her up while trying hard not to. Her new bed was much bigger, which means more space to explore. Her mattress was the real deal, not to mention the plush organic mattress pad and sheet. The works! We personally would be very pleased to sleep in this crib if we could fit in it.

Upgrade. The works.

Cut to 12.31.2013

Morning nap approaching. As we go through our nap ritual (rituals work so well with babies!), my heart is missing a beat or two. Not only was I naturally expecting major resistance, I was also deeply pondering the meaning of this next step. Separate rooms. Separate rooms. It means so many things. So many...

I do dig the new digs. Better than Ima and Aba's for sure. Better colors too.

I put Lulu in her shiny new crib while her Aba was filming the historical event (yes, we're dorks). I showed her where I had placed her pacifiers as I always do and left the room. Within the next 5 minutes I went in 3 times, probably for 10 seconds each. Each time Lulu cried simply because she couldn't find the pacifiers (it is a bigger bed after all), not because she wasn't happy with the sleeping arrangement.  She actually seemed very comfortable and fell asleep on her own. Goog and I looked at each other in disbelief. That's it. She's sleeping. Done. History.

Serenity Now!

I will admit that drops of anxiety managed to creep in as the evening approached. That's what counts. Night sleep. What if...What if. Well...what a waste of anxiety. Our incredible baby fell asleep as soon as we said Lyla Tov and had the best night's sleep into the new year!!! Unbelievable! Which reminds me....Another historical occasion is the fact that it was the first New Year's Eve I can remember being asleep before midnight. Party girl is now a mama and isn't able to stay awake to celebrate the new year. How did this happen?! We put up a fight but lasted only till 11. Ok, 10:50...Ok, 10:45. Ok, we didn't really put up a fight....we just went to bed as soon as we were done with our midnight toast (midnight in Buenos Aires). Surprisingly I was able to fall asleep easily. After all, we've had Lulu in our room since she was born, 8.5 months ago, and I anticipated difficulty. But all I got was a little pinch in my heart looking over the deserted Pack n' Play, about 60 seconds of staring into the monitor, watching Lulu sleeping like a champion and one very long & strong hug which smelled a lot like a combination of "We finally did it, yay!" and "Our little girl left the nest, oy!". And that was it. Smooth entry into 2014. Glorious sleep. I'm proud to say well deserved.

Wishing you all a glorious year! Happy New Year!

I like it here! Happy New Year!!!

Sleep? No? More?

Do all parents know prior to childbirth where their baby will sleep and for how long? We were proud to have a clear idea actually. The plan was to keep Lulu in a Pack n' Play in our room until two-three months old. Why? We assumed we would want her to sleep with us until we were all ready to move her to her own room. Of course, I didn't understand the word "ready" prior to becoming a mama. How do we know she's ready? And the even more complex question- How do we know WE are ready?...Once again, who knew that we would be the hindering cause....Before Lulu was born, I personally insisted that Goog and I take ownership of our private couple space as soon as possible- the minute our baby showed signs of "ready."

Needless to say, yours truly hadn't defined "ready". It became the vague idea of two to three months. There had been no doubt in my mind that three months would be the latest she would move to her cute purple personal space. Tricky assumption. It's quite clear by now that Lulu's sleep is easily interrupted by coughs, sneezes, our footsteps, her mama's smell and a lot more. Anything that comes from US. Outside noise? Forget about it! She's immune! Garbage trucks, sirens, our noisy heater/AC unit that randomly roars throughout the night, fireworks (!!), you name it. Fresh example: We're at a cafe right now (Bwe- best coffee, inspiring space, personal favorite), and Lulu is sleeping so peacefully through loud music, ear-piercing espresso machine, door opening and closing, noisy chatter...But late at night we still have to whisper to each other under the covers (don't get me wrong, it's enchantingly romantic, but sometimes it's hard to breathe in our dreamy tent). 

So deep into her six month birthday, Lulu is still in her Pack n' Play, sharing sleeping space with her parents. Who is not ready? Lulu or her parents?...

Since her three month birthday, we've been telling each other periodically that Lulu undoubtedly still needed us right by her at night, but the excuse is not working anymore, since we seem to interrupt her sleep even when we try so hard not to move in bed...

It's us... Deep inside we know it's us. And now we know it's time... We can't wait to reclaim ownership of our couple space, we can't wait to proudly step into our bedroom at night rather than sneak in, we can't wait to not think twice before getting up to pee at night. We can't wait for everyone to sleep (Granted we quickly transition out of staring at the monitor all night, which I have a feeling will happen)!!! And yet, we are still pondering the meaning of "ready"...Just one more night....or...week? Of course we keep telling ourselves that Lulu is the one who is not ready.

Do we give ourselves a clear deadline? We currently have a vague "within the week". The time has come!.....Any day now...

For some reason, I can imagine us still whispering under the covers, holding our coughs and sneezes and of course avoiding the "loud blanket" for a least a week following Lulu's moving out. Moving out...First time our baby moves out. I hear that you blink and then they are off to college... Ok, I'll stop now. Hormonal breastfeeding mama alert ;-)

Exhibit A: Temporary Storage Space

On Prunes and Other Friends

 

"Mmmm, prunes. What a delicacy. I'll take more!"
                  

Yours truly here, operating on no sleep. Never thought I'd be blogging about poop, but since we started solids, our Lulu hasn't managed to have a BM. Yes, it did cross my mind to just keep her exclusively on breast milk forever. Yes, I know it's ridiculous. Still, night after night this week we had to soothe a screaming baby whose system was having a hard time adjusting to sweet potatoes and avocado. Last night was the peak. Lulu could hardly stay asleep because of her backed-up stomach. At the same time, I felt like my heart was clogged by screaming needles. My body was also not the happiest camper. My spine was threatening to go on strike after picking up and putting down hundreds of times. My chest and arms turned clinically depressed for not being able to take away my baby's pain and discomfort. 

Which brings me to...I can't wait till she can speak. I want to know exactly how she feels. Exactly. I need to relieve the pain, any pain. It's a need, a sweeping, primal need. I can't control it and I don't wish to control it, but it's definitely another new thing motherhood introduced me to. I mean, I have intensely and desperately wanted to alleviate pain of loved ones before Lulu. With Lulu it's a physical need that flows through my body like an angry ocean. 

Until she can speak, I use my mama instincts, which I sharpen every day. Who knows, by the time she speaks with words, I might not even need words. I would just effortlessly read her. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to read Lulu's cry- hungry, tired, overstimulated, etc. But I am still challenged when it comes to pain and discomfort. We've just completed an episode of a first cold, segueing into glamorous teething, which kept us up at night (that's the thing with Lulu. She's always in good spirits during the day, no matter what. But at night, her sleep is disrupted so easily), and now this....Stomach. New food. It actually started out so cheerfully. Sweet potato was a big hit and even avocado. We've been having so much fun making food mess. Unfortunately, it's biting us in the ass, literally!

So this morning we bought organic prunes and the perfect puree was served. Lulu adored it and refused to stop eating. Again, fun times. It's 5 PM and NOTHING. Nighttime is approaching with its big, scary steps, threatening to bestow upon us more pain and tears. Prunes, please please work!

Addendum:
At 6 PM we purchased what we heard is called Magic. Suppositories (Oh, my... Hope Lulu will forgive me for sharing the intricacies of BMs and beyond...). It's not medication, which we try to avoid. It's guaranteed to work quickly and bring Lulu her good night's sleep. We'll take it! We'll take it now! 

My built-in need to take away the pain is met within 30 minutes. 
Joy to the world. WHAT a relief!  

GOOD Night!

Yum Yum Yam

"Not bad. Not bad at all..."

This will be short and very sweet:

Lulu and I are elated to report that our first non-nursing feeding was a remarkable success. Not only did she absolutely love sweet potatoes and even wanted more, I surprised myself by being totally okay with this next evolutionary step I had been dreading. In fact, I relished every second. 

Watching my baby take her first taste was pricelessly tender. She must have felt some sort of victory, after months of intently watching us chew, bite, swallow, drink, dunk biscottis in coffee (her mama does that religiously every morning), not to mention cook (I try to talk her through my cooking process as much as possible). She is now one step closer to joining the club. What an enchanted experience it was to see it all in her eyes and through her eyes: the fascination with the color, flavor, sensation in her mouth, the open-eyed curiosity, and even pride, knowing that she now has even more things in common with us. She experimented with ingesting this new substance and once in a while gave us a big smile. 

I remember someone telling me that when you have kids, you get to experience things as if it was your first time. There was something about watching my baby take her first metaphorical bite (no teeth yet, by the way, just teething pain...) that connected me to a primal place of discovering what food tastes like. When was the last time I got to do that?...Not since I myself was an infant. What a privilege it is, to witness the first pure moment, so simple yet so complex, of our baby stepping into this uncharted territory.

I've come a long way from pushing away the idea that Lulu's food would not be breast milk forever to this brand new thrill and fascination with the prospects of sharing the world of food with her- the smells, tastes, colors, textures and so much more. Already planning what's next on the menu!

One day, not too far from now, we will be able to share our favorite meals with Lulu. Curious to find out what her favorite foods are. Will she like black cod, sushi, dark chocolate? Will she like kale? Shiitake mushrooms? My oatmeal with almond milk? 
I think I'm getting a little carried away...This post is also making me hungry. We have left over sweet potato. Yum.

Tears of Oy

Our Lulu turned six months old today and we have yet to enter the Solids Zone. Well, actually I've been avoiding the topic altogether... Been so content just breastfeeding her- it's so simple (New Mommies Alert: It's NEVER simple in the beginning. Once you cross the tough beginning, you will like it. I promise), so enjoyable and takes no preparation; we also don't have a high chair yet, not to mention those little teaspoons and who wants to deal with all the clean up, right? I'll start researching best utensils and chairs for Lulu once I'm ready, I've been telling myself. No rush. We can wait a few weeks... a month, right?...Right? Righhhhhttttt?? 
Wrong. 
As of yesterday, Mama's learned that she was wrong. Let's not call it wrong. Let's call it a little delusional?....We stopped by Nourishing Wisdom for Mom and Baby for some, well, nourishing wisdom for mom (intoxicatingly sublime, organic, raw Raaka chocolate...goes well with half a glass of mommy juice) and baby (Baltic Amber necklace for Lulu's teething pain. Yes, nobody's been getting much sleep the last few nights.) While discussing Lulu's six month birthday, Rebecca starts challenging my decision to block my ears and say "lalalalala" every time Solids are mentioned.

One moment I'm listening to her talking about sweet potatoes and avocado and the next I'm starting to cry. What's with the tears? What's happening? Whatever it is, of course I find myself arguing...Breast is best! (But developmentally, babies need complementary food starting at six months)....Can't I just wait till I complete high chair research? (No) What about other research?? I'm gonna need some time to select first food, and second and third, and learn how the Beaba works.... (Too bad, you need to hustle, since apparently there's a window for action). 

Wait!!! I need time...time...I need more time to enjoy the magic of being her only source of nutrition...we've been doing this for 15 months....I'm not ready for her to grow up just yet.
WHAT did I just say? Have I really just uttered these words? Oy. Oy. Oy. I did. It seems like it was yesterday when Lulu made me a mother and here I am, already dealing with My-Baby-Doesn't-Need-Me-Anymore Syndrome. Our parenting style focuses a lot on encouraging independence, trust, courage, curiosity and yet I've just majorly contradicted myself. Why can't I help it? What's the matter with me? Why are thoughts of her leaving the nest are floating in my brain? Is this a side effect of sleep deprivation?

No, says my mom. Yes, MY mom. Time to share with you that my superwoman mom is staying with us this month, soaking some Lulu love and helping tremendously along the way. Mom is sitting on Rebecca's couch with Lulu in one arm. She smilingly extends her other arm to hug me tight, and then shares with me how natural this feeling is and how we all want our babies to grow up and eventually leave our nest, but at the same time it does make us a little, just a little sad. But it's okay to feel how I feel. And then Grandma says what grandmas say: "there will be others, remember that."

My crying yesterday caught me off-guard. I felt like it came out of nowhere but learned that it didn't. I also learned that it's okay to feel this way and express it, and I even learned that I'm ready to take the plunge tomorrow because after all, in addition to the immense love and support I'm blessed with, I still possess some level of logic, and you know what? I even started fantasizing about Lulu playing with her food during family meals. Oh, and actually I'm going to hold off on the Beaba and simply mash Lulu's first non-breastmilk meal the good old-fashioned way.

Will report soon from the battlefield.

Happy Six Month Birthday to my marvelous baby! Thank you for making me your mother! I am so lucky and sooooo honored!